Surviving a Loss

Two Christmases ago I lost my daughter. I was 37 weeks and 1 day pregnant with her when she passed away. They could never find a cause for her death.

Going in to be induced to deliver her was hard enough, but hearing crying newborns and baby heartbeats on the machines of my neighboring hospital rooms was hell.

Leaving the hospital without a baby was even worse. I never realized how many babies I would see in a day until I didn't have my baby girl with me any more. Pregnant women and babies in public would make me cry, or get very angry, or start to panic. Going out in public was difficult. I would ask to be reseated in restaurants, and the people who I was trying to avoid would hear me and think I was being rude to them. I could not bear to sit and eat and try to be normal and calm in public if I had to be near a baby or a pregnant woman. It's like I couldn't take my focus off of them.

My friend got pregnant right after my loss. I hated her. I was so jealous, and so full of anger and hatred. It was overwhelming. I would cry and cry. Even if some character on TV or in a book was pregnant I would get angry, panic, and cry.

I am blessed to have my rainbow baby, who was born slightly less than a year after my loss. The pregnancy was terrifying after having suffered an almost full-term loss, but the reward is so great.

If you even encounter a woman (or man, men lose their children as much as women do), who seems to be reacting negatively to your pregnancy- please don't take it personally. It is likely they suffered a loss like I did.

Moms Expertise
    Comment deleted
      Thank you for sharing our story with us. That must of been really hard to deal with, I would of felt the same way.
        Awww. I feel sick for you. What a terrible loss and a terrible way to lose. I'm so so sorry you endured that.

        I know there's no reason. My sister lost a baby mid term with no apparent cause and we really had to dig deep to know it just was Gods way or the worlds way and that something just wasn't right. Perhaps she was saved from a lifetime of bad health. I don't know.

        My very good friends baby was born a week before my daughter and he had tons of issues. Health and also suspected Down syndrome .. She hated me I felt. As our kids grew up together.. My baby reached the milestones when hers wasn't. It was really hard. I felt guilty for having a healthy child and I think she resented me for it.

        Eventually she had distanced herself from me as it was just too hard to sit and have coffee in my living room as my baby was crawling and laughing and grabbing things and her son was yet to do any of those and cried a lot.

        I actually found her a play group for kids with downs and other things and she seemed less than pleased with me. But joined and became active in that world where she said "they belonged"...

        It was never easy. Harder for her but it was hard in me too. Eventually our friendship became less and less. But I Akways stayed true to her and reached out consistently to her so that she knew I was always there for them but also respected that she felt she couldn't be a part of our lives.

        It was never the same. When our kids were in kinder, we saw each other at Target and it was lovely. She had really come into her own and seemed like a person that was no longer defeated by circumstance but embraced it and rises above it. Her son is in special school and it was nice to see him and see what a great mom she was to him.

        We exchanged our info but never got together again. I miss them. But I always sort of understood why we had to distance. For her.

        So yes. I think everyone needs to stop for a minute and think that someone else may be going through something before they're offended.

        I'm glad you have your rainbow baby and I know a special little soul is around you.
          8Theresa Gould
          I'm so sorry you lost your baby. I've never lost one that late in pregnancy but understand the wide range of emotions you went through after your loss. I think it's normal.
          About Sabrina
          Birth: October 09
          On since: Feb 25, 2014
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