Why am I baby crazy?
I used to be extremely baby crazy... There seemed to be babies and pregnant women everywhere I turned. Which, honestly, being on a military base... Wasn't far from the truth. I wanted children ever since I was a little girl.
My husband and I have had fertility issues, unfortunately, so that onlyy heightened the sense of baby crazy... Probably more akin to baby psychosis haha. My husband and tried for years for a baby with no luck until last year when I used Fertilitea, soy isoflavones, etc.
After that loss and the one directly following it, I kind of lost my baby craze. I don't know why exactly. Maybe fear of going through another loss. And the fact that when I was pregnant with our first the doctor brought to my attention I have some sort of autoimmune issues going on, it just makes me scared overall.
What if it IS lupus like the doctor suspects? (I didn't even go to the rheumatologist consultation. I'm not going to take the drugs and I just don't need to know right now. I'll take care of myself regardless) But if it is... I'm terrified I might not be able to be the happy, energetic mom I had always envisioned. I don't want to put my babies through that. I feel selfish for even wanting them.
I had recently lost someone else very dear to me months before the miscarriages, so I think last year was just a time of loss and grieving and I lost my passion for a lot of things.
Since then, I've lost myself in books (I do book reviews, so it works, heh) and working my butt off constantly. It's still hard sometimes when it comes up and it'll hit me like a ton of bricks. I should've had our first baby this April. But, honestly, a lot of the time it all stays pretty far from my mind.
My husband and I are going through a mjor transitional period right now with him getting out of the military, moving back to the east coast, my work really picking up and taking off, buying our first home... we have a lot on our plates that's not a baby.
I think once I get back around family after the move, and especially when I get to see all my old friends' children, the baby crazy will start to pick back up again. I have days now when I want it really badly, but other days... I don't know. Anybody else out there get what I'm trying to say? Because I'm not entirely certain even I do.
I want our family, I really do. Four kids, a home, a farm, back home near our family... That's a big reason we've chosen to move where we are. For now, til this transitional period is over, I think I just need to BREATHE, lest baby crazy be overcome with ACTUAL crazy, hah.
Sorry for the long, rambling, kind of depressing post. Things are good... I'm excited for the future. I'm excited for our babies. I'm just taking a break from taking fertility supplements etc (though not preventing!) for now.
What about you? Anyone able to relate here? Ever been baby crazy yourself?