Depression and Change
First want to explain some things, which i believe has led me here. Up until Nov of this last year, I had been going through one bad thing after, seriously a year and a half of nothing but BAD. Death in our families, including my mother, father-in-law and brother-in-law, all three within a few months starting off 2012, My SO and I decided that we would leave our military life,though they gave us hell for months first, to come be with his mother who was now all alone (turns out she didnt need us to) , the military screwed us over, not paying him the money he was supposed to get, and took his entire final check, leaving us in a financial hole, lost our car,he got depressed and cheated on me with my best friend, and then gave me hell with constantly breaking up with me for 6 months, and blaming me for everything, finally he left me to be with someone else that he met at work, told me the truth that his whole family hated me, and found out i was pregnant. the new gf convinced him that i was harassing her, and had him turn off my phone. for a month he went back and forth between us, finally bringing her in front of all his friends to let everyone know that he chose her, and wanted to be with her, leaving me pregnant, and homeless at his alcoholic best friends house. he did come back to me, but only after finding out that i went on a date with a guy, finically stable, that even his best friend loved. came begging and crying in front of my best friend, on our way to see our baby for the first time. I of course chose to get back with him,many think i am completely stupid for it. I think at the time was because he was the father of my child, but I also loved him enough to at least try. things were fine for a few months, but he quit his job to stop all temptation of going back to the other girl , his idea, i wanted him to simply keep the job and be faithful, so that made me feel that he would not be able to be faithful, and he knew it. we got kicked out of his Aunts apt, that we had been staying in, because though i have barely talked to the woman, she hates me, we believe because of her son, who does hate me because i would not allow him to bring his drugs into our home, which used to be his party place until we moved there, so forced to move before we were ready, and then our landlord at new place kicked us out and sold the house we had plans to buy out from under us, without any notice, which meant staying at his alcoholic best friends home, which was infested with bedbugs, fleas and a couple of rats. his best friend and his gf are both severe alcoholics, and the gf is extremely lazy, for 3 months, i cleaned their home, and fed them on my food stamps, only to be yelled at most of the time for being lazy, keep in mind by this time i was about 5-8 months pregnant, feeling sick most of the time, she sat on the couch when she was awake, and she usually slept in until noon everyday because they liked to stay up drinking all night. they dont even eat dinner until late at night, which meant many dinners were after 10 at night or later, which doesnt work when you have a 4 year old and pregnant. add my SO being kept out all the time to be the DD for the alcoholic best friend who had a breatholizer on his truck because of his several DUIs, he would convince my SO to take him to the bar, which was never a good idea, but My SO has a weekness when it comes to this man, and cant say no to him, EVER. Thankfully my SO's cousin took some pity on us and let us move in with her and her family, which was good, much better than a bug infested home, we all got a little healthier, and it was nice until i had the baby. As much as i love the woman, she is very controlling, and i was usually on her shit list because i dont do things the way she wants them to be done (we still have issues with her trying to control things, though we are moved out) pretty much it was i had a set of rules that had to be followed, but everyone else pretty much did what they wanted, including her 10 year old daughter, who was constantly trying to start fights between her mother and me, and then a lot of her and her mother going behind my back with my new born baby, that consisted of the 10 year old, who is extremely clumsy, carrying around the baby, after i asked repeatedly that she was only allowed to hold the baby while sitting on the couch and watched. her daughter was also very openly mean to my son, which also started a lot of fights. We finally got our own home, which is beautiful, and i love my neighbors. Finally got our own vehicle this last month, so no more having to call and ask for rides everywhere. He is going to school full time, which the military pays us for, and things for the most part have been well, except now I am severely depressed.
I have absolutely no reason to be depressed right now. even while going through everything before, I wasnt depressed, i managed to stay at least somewhat happy, with the exception of finding out i was pregnant just as my boyfriend was leaving me for another girl, that part yea, i got a little sad about, but i still managed to be happy, i was pregnant, with my baby girl, and had my son, and My SOs aunt (different aunt) let us come live with her, and she keeps me sane. But I am now so depressed that I dont want to get up in the morning, He has been great to me, and has done everything to make up what he did, but still having trust issues, and its been a year as of Feb 13 since we got back together, at first after we got moved, i was over the moon, so happy, house was cleaned daily, kids were on a great sleeping schedule, we were intimate, all the time, had friends over to hang out in the garage every weekend, and we were happy, for about two months. then i started feeling depressed, I have started yelling at my SO for just about every little thing, I know he doesnt deserve it most of the time. He is forgetful a lot, and clueless most of the time, but I know he is doing the best he can, yet I am yelling at him constantly, over stupid things. I am having bad mood swings, one minute i am yelling at him, threatening to leave, the next i am happy, kissing him, and telling him i love him. and it has just gotten worse. he is trying, i can see it everyday, he helps when i ask him to, he is amazing with my son and our daughter, they light up when he comes home from class. but me, I am finding it hard to trust him in everything he does. I dont really think he is cheating again. he doesnt go anywhere, he is always home with me, unless he is going to work at his friends shop and he goes to class, when he is home, he is usually out int he garage messing with his bike, which is what he is going to school for anyways, motorcycles, its his passion and i support him 100%, and when he does go out its with guys that i love, and trust that they woudnt let him do anything stupid, i look at these guys as my boys, but i am finding myself jealous when he spends time with them, and they are our neighbors, if he wants to hang out with them, he doesnt even have to leave, so he is home all the time, yet i am yelling at him all the time for not spending more time with me and the kids. I know its not true, and i can see that i am wrong, but i cant stop yelling at him.
I dont want to get out of bed either. I am finding that i am sleeping more and more, when i should be up taking care of the house and kids, and then while they are sleeping i cant fall asleep. most nights i am not asleep until 1am or later. I have not completely cleaned the house in days, i noticed yesterday that it has gotten bad. i keep the floors clean, because of the baby, she is crawling around, and i dont want to keep her locked up, but my tables and counters are cluttered with crap. which i am hoping to change today. I even made a pot of coffee, to help me wake up, so while i wait for that to kick in, i decided to write this out.
I want a change. I need a change. I think I know whats causing my depression, i never got the chance while everything was happening to me to be depressed, too much going on to deal with it as it was happening, and pregnancy hormones kept me happy most of the time, like ridiculously happy even when i should have been pissed, but now, I think all the feelings finally caught up with me, and add post partum to that. I had post partum with my son, and though it doesnt feel exactly the same, i remember not having a real reason for being unhappy, but i was anyhow. So I am getting all of this off my chest, its been building up for a long time now. and hoping that by finally getting it all out there, that i can start moving forward. I had my SO make sure i woke up with him this morning, and make me a pot of coffee so i would be less tempted to crawl back into bed and go back to sleep. I am also trying to make new friends. i have never been one for female friends, and have always been pretty happy on my own, but day in and day out of only my kids, pets and SO to talk to, I think I need some friends, which is why i joined this site. I tried putting an ad on craigslist, and so far only met two girls out of the 5 that responded that are worth hanging out with, planning a girls night soon. the others, that i have met, misunderstood my ad, and thought i was looking for more than just a female friend. I may even find work, though i know that means not being at home with my kids, which would break my heart, but i know i cant make them happy if i am not happy. I know this is long. I needed to get it out before it destroyed me, and destroyed my family. its been bottled up for a while, and it feels good to finally get it all out,
you do you sound like you respect yourself as much as you should as a woman , mother.....child of God ...to have let that man who cheated on you be in control of choosing if he did or did not want to be with you...pregnant or not...shoulda kicked his a double s to the curb first sign of infedelity.
k that being said, you are in my thoughts and prayers for your string of bad luck...and i too for a while felt really crappy about the direction my life seemed to be leading ...down a road of deaths , break ups, losses, hopelessness....but i learned the very advice im giving you from a very good source...a very special daily devotional for women that i carry with me everywhere. Its called "Jesus calling" by sarah young. Even if you arent a believer or church goer...this book will help you in a way to cope with your day to day let downs...and help you to focus on the good things, and what you have going for you in your current life...as well as what to be looking forward to in a future that only a confident strong woman can see the hope for.
I wish you the best of luck my friend , please take no offence, its important to always know who you are ...be who you want to be...be in control of your life even if you have to start from scratch over and over again...be confident knowing your a strong beautiful woman and your capable of anything girl~!! now get out there and do the damn thing1