Thrown into the Water
I hope you ladies don't mind me sharing a little bit.
A few minutes ago, I was looking into furniture and whatnot for when we move to our new 2 bedroom apartment in May (we dont really have much, furniture-wise right now lol, planning to change that), and it got me thinking. This past year, taking care of our home has fallen to me. Having Nina has changed everything. Everything.
When I found out I was pregnant, I felt like I was drowning. My husband literally would have hit the floor if that chair wasn't there to catch his stunned fall. I wasn't ready for a baby, I was still too young and selfish in my heart, other than when it came to Trevor (my husband). I didn't think I could let another person, one for whom I was almost entirely responsible for making into a decent, responsible individual, into my life. Sure, we eventually wanted to have kids and had talked about it, but not yet. Not yet! We had only just gotten married a few months prior! We weren't prepared to raise a family. I cried the whole way home; I cried for days. I'll admit, we considered abortion seriously. However, when we got the first ultrasound, and the nurse told us I was six months along, and they don't do the procedure that far along (we were about a week too far), and they gave us some papers for clinics that would, those places were in California and Georgia. There was no way we could afford to have it done and to make it there and back, without any uncomfortable questions asked by relatives, who are all staunchly against abortion.
This lead to option number two: adoption. For weeks, I considered it. I cried in the bathroom at work, thinking about giving away my baby, my child, who didn't even have a name yet. Trevor said he would support me, no matter what I wanted to do, that it was my choice. He said he would rather not have the baby adopted by a family of strangers, but that it was my decision. He had given his opinion, and so waited for mine. I felt torn. At times, I resented the baby inside me for making me feel so utterly lost. But...at night, when I was trying to sleep and couldn't, I would feel her kick, and without thinking, I would shift position to try to make the baby more comfortable. Slowly, very slowly, I was becoming attached to the unknown baby I carried. Eventually I decided that we would keep it, not an hour after deciding that we would give the baby up for adoption. I couldn't bear the thought of giving away my baby after carrying it and birthing it. I didn't think I could bear the heartbreak, combined with the thought of it hurting Trevor to give the baby away.
This whole time, by the way, we hadn't told anybody. We kept it under tight wraps that I was pregnant. I wasn't even really showing at that point, I just looked like I had had a particularly sugary christmas season lol, so it wasn't that hard to hide. After we got it settled that we would keep the baby, we went for an ultrasound, and found out that the baby was a girl.
Next step: telling our parents.
I was terrified about how my mom would react. I thought she would be mad, or judgmental, or something horrible. When we went to visit them, there was the normal smalltalk at first, and then my mom asked "So what've you two been up to lately?" and it got quiet. I didn't know what to say, how to start it. I think Trevor knew this, because he said, very casually, "Making you a grandma." It got even quieter, somehow. My mom looked like she couldn't quite get her brain to process the words...and then she stood up, came over, and hugged me. I was stunned, and I asked why she wasnt mad, when we told her it wasn't planned, and about how we had freaked out. That's when I learned that my mom had had me completely unplanned as well. She had freaked out just as badly, if not worse (my dad and her had just been dating at the time I was conceived, and not for very long at that!). She told me that I should've known I'd have nothing to fear from her about this, and that if she had known we wanted to adopt, she'd have adopted the baby herself, just to keep it in the family lol! Then she proceeded to call every single relative we have, and let the news spread. The house became chaotic.
Trevor's parents reacted...a lot more sedately. His mother was more concerned about how we would support the baby, and told us how her first baby, trevor's older sister, was unplanned as well, though she'd been with his father a lot longer than my parents had been. I felt kind of discouraged when we left her, though when I told her that later, she was shocked, and said she hadn't meant it to sound like that at all.
Ever since then, things have slowly become more...into the adult world, I guess. I felt like I was thrown into the water to learn how to swim, and when I panicked, and felt like I might drown; I had to learn how to float. I knew nothing about anything. I didn't know how to find an apartment! A u-haul trailer! I knew nothing about how to be a mother (I became close friends with google). To top it off, Trevor had to leave for boot camp only a month into our daughter's life, so I was left even more adrift. I couldn't complain to trevor about it in our letters, and the very infrequently allowed calls; boot camp was far too miserable and difficult for me to dump my problems onto him, so I kept my tone light, I told him the good things and the funny things, I kept him floating, all while I sank lower, trying to hold him up. I felt crushed. The only thing that kept me sane was the little things with Nina...like when she first started interacting with her toys. Her first smile, her first laugh. The looks she gave me letting me know she trusted me completely. I had to keep her floating, too.
So I made myself take a deep breath, and start kicking. I started to swim. (Seriously, I apologize for all the metaphors about that lol!)
I got my act together. I learned how to be a mommy for reals. I started exercising more, and hanging out with my close friends more, bringing nina along so we could all play and I wouldnt be so lonely. I found our first apartment, this one. I got us moved down there. I've learned how to deal with poo explosions that make a diaper look like it wasnt even there. I've learned to deal with dishwasher disasters, and taxes, and I've managed to tackle every problem that's come my way since then. That doesn't mean I'm super confident. I still get scared, all the time. Especially with Trevor being deployed soon. But I think I can do it all. Because I have to. I have to be super mommy/wife.
So here's to all the Mommys here, and all our various problems and fears. We can do it! After all, if Mommy cant, then who can?