"Just Mom" and no longer "Morgan"
Over the past year, I have so immersed myself into trying to be the best mother that I can be, that I...have sort of lost myself a bit. Another post made me think about this.
Nina loves me, and I know it. My husband says that anyone can see us together for 5 seconds and already know just how painfully obvious it is that my daughter loves me more than anything...and yes, it makes me happy that she is happy and loves me. She's already so much of a person, and already has so much personality that it's baffling to us, but we love it. It makes me happy that I know I'm a good mother, but am I still a good Morgan?
My own personality has changed so very much over the past year, that it's like my head is spinning. It's not all bad, of course! I've become LOADS more confident..it used to take me hours to decide on how to act about something important. Hours of uncertainty, worry, hesitance, fear. Waiting until the last moment to be forced to make a decision I never was comfortable with because what if I'd chosen wrong?!...now, if I have a question or something that needs to be done, I find out how to do it and get it done ASAP.
I still worry, sure, but I don't let that hinder me anymore. I used to be so shy that I couldn't bear to look at someone else via direct eye contact, or say more than "H...hi" upon first meeting them. I'd rather wander the giant stores lost for an hour, than ask an employee for help finding what I'm looking for. I'm still not a people-person or easy with people, but I can handle myself now. I will seek help if I need it, or carry a conversation when I have/want to.
Somehow, being a mommy, even when it's only almost been a year, has given me the ability to be confident about my decisions and to take control when I need to. I guess that's a good thing, but still...I've changed so much, that I miss parts of who I used to be. Trevor told me to just be that way again, if it bothers me so much, but I'm NOT that way, anymore. I can't just act like I used to, not without feeling like a huge fraud.
Once, Trevor was teasing me for completely taking control of a situation where we didn't know what to do, and I made everything work like it should have. Some of our friends were arguing, loudly, angrily, and generally making a scene over something that shouldn't have been a big deal. I made them stop and talk it over, and it all got sorted out and we continued on our way. Trevor just looked at me after I had yelled at them for behaving like my little brother would when he didn't get what he wanted, and after all was said and done and happy again, he just said "Whatever happened to my cute little Morgan? My sunshine? You never do that, usually." That made me feel...bad. I told him so, and I felt like I had messed up after that. He was quick to reassure me that it meant I had matured, which was a good thing, and all that good stuff, but that thought and those words still go through my head sometimes, especially when I take charge and handle situations easily...Whatever happened to her? Did she just...grow up? Did having a baby change me so much?