Family Feud

If you had raised a son from a young age, and he decided that he wanted to find his birth mother and then maintained a relationship with her, would you be neutral, put out, mixed feelings, upset?

If that birth mother had done some pretty disturbing things to the family financially (stolen money, forgery, etc), would that be considered old history that should stay between the spouses and not involve the kids? What I mean by that is to keep it to themselves or would it be appropriate to share that information with the adult kids? The motive behind sharing would be to give the adult son a heads up should something negative arise in the relationship with his birth mother since she's done shady things in the past. Granted people can change and should be given the benefit of the doubt...

I gave my input to a family member who is going through this with her adult son. My initial impression is that the adult son was being disloyal by having a relationship with his birth mother, and in some way betraying them (his parents) because of the financial burden the birth mother had caused in the past. Well, the family member and her husband severed ties with their adult son, and I regret giving my opinion.

In the end, every person has a right to have a relationship with their parent, no matter what their background or past. Anyone have any thoughts to share? Anyone want to shed some light on their experience with this?

01
    04/29/14
    I have no experience in this I am sorry... I wish you/them the best with the situation
    1
      04/29/14
      Melissa Middleton
      I am very familiar with this (in two cases). Two of my sisters (one older and one younger than me), had contacted my biological father years ago. My biological father, is/was an awful person. He did horrible things to both my mother, my sisters and I, and my ex-step brothers. I was six the last time I saw him. He had come for unannounced and unsupervised visit; h.He had hurt me and then was hauled away in a police vehicle, after my mother called the authorities. I was hurt, as well as my other sisters. My oldest sister claimed she doesn't remember him doing anything like that, and that he was always so nice. She is six years older than I am; she remembers. My little sister was only three the last time she saw him, so she doesn't have any memories. My mother, my other sisters and I, were very hurt by their actions and decision to contact him. They were telling him things about all of us. I was irate. To me, he has no right to know about me; he made it clear many years ago when he decided he did not want to be a father or husband anymore. My oldest sister will be 43. He has had all that time to change, and he hadn't taken a single moment to do so. Now, we did not cut them off as family, but we were hurt by it, so I can understand how the family felt; it hurts, deeply. I thought it was selfish what they did, especially to my mother. It is like a slap in the face. I have forgiven him but he will never be a part of my life, and Jonah and our future kids will never know him. Upon further note, my father proved to be the same person he was before. This one did not change.

      My husband was adopted. His mother gave him and his other siblings up for a man. He was 10 years old. She wasn't a very good mother the years he and his siblings spent with her. My husband contacts her. However, he does not call her mother, instead refers to her by her first name or his biological mother when speaking to others. To him, and to me, his mother and father are the ones who adopted and raised him and three of his brothers. For many years he was furious with his biological mother for what she did. She is a different person now and has a wonderful husband who claims Jonah as his grandson. I am glad my son will have a grandfather, since mine is out of the picture and my hubby's dad has passed away. Steven isn't angry with his biological mother anymore, and I believe it is because they have a relationship now, which allows him to heal.
      1
      04/30/14
      Melissa Middleton
      To add to this, his biological mother is a different person now, and she regrets the decision she made, though it was better for Steven and his brothers to be with the MIddletons.
      0
        04/29/14
        Thank you for the feedback!

        Melissa, thank you for sharing! That last sentence puts perspective on perhaps why the adult son sought a relationship with his biological mother. I never thought of it as a way to heal but makes sense. I can empathize how others can feel betrayed and hurt especially when there's multiple abuses. In every case of abuse, I learned there is always psychological abuse. I pray this family works through their grief and losses. The loss of a relationship with the adult son & the broken relationships within that family unit. So sad and so bitter...
        2
        04/30/14
        Melissa Middleton
        Anger is poison. It eats away at the heart and soul, corroding it until there is nothing left but hatred, darkness, and bitterness. I hope the family can somehow find forgiveness, even if they do not want a relationship with the woman. People sometimes change for the better or for the worse. This woman could have changed for the better.
        To me, forgiveness allows healing and sheds light where there once was darkness. That is why I chose to forgive my father; the hatred was poisoning my heart and soul.

        Looking back, maybe my sisters did need to contact him for themselves...
        0
        About MaryJane
        Birth: March 25
        On Moms.com since: Apr 18, 2014
        Pregnant back to back. I have a baby girl and another on the way. I'm also a pseudo-step mom to 2 tweens.