Memorials for Miscarriage

I was watching 19 Kids and Counting today and it was the episode where they find out that they lost their 20th child at 17 weeks. The fact that I've experienced two miscarriages of my own made this a particularly emotional episode for me.

They did a big memorial service and funeral for their daughter (they found out it was a girl afterwards) Jubilee, which I thought was very nice. Friends and family came to support them and they got to say goodbye. It was still sad, but they seemed to get a lot of closure from the experience.

My miscarriages were much earlier on and we didn't do anything to officially mourn our losses. I honestly felt like I suffered in silence, which I feel like many women do. Part of me didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I didn't want people to know, I didn't want them to pity me or feel awkward talking to me. I just wanted to pretend I'd never been pregnant. Of course, I couldn't do that. The pain was real and that baby was real. I think my choice to just cry it out and handle my pain alone made the healing process harder. Even my family, who did know about my loss, made me feel like I shouldn't invest so much in a child that never existed. They'd say, "you're young, you can always try again". They were trying to be supportive, but it really hurt. I mean, if i'd lost a 3yr old, would anyone be talking about me trying again? like I could just make another one to replace the one I'd lost?

Maybe if I had done some sort of official ceremony to say goodbye - maybe even given him/her a name - I would have felt better. I could've gotten more closure. Maybe my friends and family would have been able to understand that I lost a child, not just the idea of a child....

What do you think about memorials for a miscarried baby?

    I had a miscarriage after an accidental 4th pregnancy last summer (not planned/birth control malfunction). Although I did have some sadness about the whole thing, and found it to be unpleasant, I must admit that I didn't "mourn" in the way I would have for a desired pregnancy or if, God forbid, I lost a living child. I kind of felt like "well, it's better it happens now than having a sick child." So, for me at least, I feel like there is really a distinction. I couldn't compare losing a pregnancy (even a very desired one) to losing a child you have held in your arms. However, every woman is different and having miscarriages before you've been able to carry a baby to term is probably much more stressful b/c you start do doubt if you can do it. Anyway, this is a long way of saying that I wouldn't have needed or wanted any sort of memorial at all. Frankly, I just wanted to move on with my life and not have anybody know about it. However, I can see that I might feel differently if I had been devastated by the loss.
    I can totally see how a loss after having your children is different. Now that I have Avery if I had a miscarriage again I know I'd be sad, but I'd also know that I have a healthy daughter at home. And I'd know I'm capable of having a baby because of her. My past miscarriages were hard because we'd gotten so excited and then we were devastated not only by the loss, but by the possibility of never getting to have children.
      I was very lucky to have 3 pregnancies that all resulted in babies. We are now finished having children and more often than you can imagine I think about how lucky I am to have never experienced a loss and to know that I never will. I have friends that have experienced a loss, and I think they have all done SOMETHING. A piece of jewelry or even just giving the baby a color and knowing that it's their color and thinking of the baby each time they/their living children wear that color. I don't know that I personally would have a memorial service for an early loss - but if I lost a baby later in my pregnancy and actually had to deliver it I most certainly would. That said, if having a memorial service would help the parents cope and deal with their loss I certainly wouldn't judge them for it!
        8Theresa Gould
        We had a memorial our son Matthew, who was my second loss 18 weeks into pregnancy. We were fortunate to find a funeral home who provided free services and caskets to babies lost in pregnancy. This was because of personal and family experience. We've also planted a butterfly garden, which is simply a garden full of plants that attract butterflies because I chose a butterfly to represent our first loss. I still would like to get a urn for Michael to remember him by. We lost him last June. The other three babies we didn't do much for other than maybe add another plant to the butterfly garden.
        About Taylor
        Current: Chanhassen, Minnesota
        Birth: July 26
        On since: Dec 18, 2013
        I'm the proud mama of my daughter Avery, born on June 6, 2013. I'm 26 years old, I work from home as a graphic designer, I will be testing for my 5th degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do in 2015. My husband, Derek, and I have been happily married for 3 years.