Funeral songs for a suicide and helping a bereaved mother.
I have had to deal with a deeply unfortunate amount of thought on this topic over the past week... That's why you guys haven't heard much from me lately until now.
My best friend of 11 years killed himself.
This past week, I've been spending a lot of time with his mother trying to plan his funeral quickly so his great aunt and great uncle could attend.
Since he and his mother had gone through issues for a while, and, of course, he was an adult and adult children often grown somewhat distant... She didn't know much about him, at least not enough to plan a funeral the way he would've wanted. And, with his father not being around and having been her only child, she needed someone... She needed his memories and someone to talk to... I understand since he was my best friend that I needed to contact his friends, write a eulogy, and make some serious decisions.
I have to say, it's one of the hardest things, if not the hardest thing, I have ever done in my life. I never, ever wanted to have to do something like this, but I am honored that if it had to happen, I was able to do it the way I think he would've wanted.
I feel so, so bad for his mother that it happened so close to Mothers Day.
Trey, my friend, was an avid musician and composer, so music was very, very important to the service. We used songs that would fit his personality, songs he enjoyed, songs to remember him by, songs he loved to play, and songs that spoke his message.
Since we did a non-religious service, the inside of the memory pamphlet thing had lyrics instead of a prayer. We used a quote from Viva la Vida by Coldplay.
“For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world
It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become”
As for the songs that played during visitation, here are some we chose.
Wake Up- Coheed and Cambria (A song he played to me over and over on guitar for years while we were growing up... )
“I've earned through hope and faith
The curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever.
If morning never comes for either one of us,
Then this I pray to you wherever.
I Will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab for Cutie (We used to sing in the car all the time)
“If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs..
If there's no one beside you, when your soul embarks,
Then I will follow you into the dark”
What Sarah Said- Death Cab for Cutie
“'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?..”
Among many others, but I can't write about this much longer or I'm going to lose my mind.
We dated for a long time, he was my high school prom date, my first for so many things, my best friend for literally half my life, the man who made me the woman I am today in so, so many ways. It hurts. A lot.
One thing his mother said she wished she could change was to take more pictures and keep them backed up and organized. So, for me, her, and in honor of Trey... Take a picture of your little ones (and even your big ones), and hug them super tight, let them know you love them more than anything in the world.
What songs do you find funeral appropriate? Do you base it on the person?
Also... prayers, good vibes... Whatever your thing is, would be much appreciated.
And I have to help get everything out of his house and sort it and figure out what goes to who soon. At 23, he didn't have a will I (or anyone else) is aware of. Do you have any advice? It's going to be heartwrenching, but I want to make sure I get everything to who he would've wanted. Have you ever had to do this? I would be grateful for any help at all.
I guess it is the mother in me that makes me upset that you feel it is your responsibility
to make things the way they should be. No one at your age should be in a position to have to be doing or planning these things.
The only funeral I've ever helped plan is my Dad's. I was in charge of the songs to play and my childhood best friend sang those songs at his funeral.