Dealing with the other parent

My oldest step daughter Alexis(14) lives at her moms. She is absolutely out of control, she steals, lies, runs away from home, cuts herself, chews snuff, has sex with older men, could care less about school except its an easy way to not come home, etc. Her mom was supposed to have taken everything except for what child services requires away from her or so she told us. I called to see if I could have Alexis for the night, and got told no Alexis has a friend over. A FRIEND!!! Are you kidding me??? The girl just does what she wants with no consequences what-so-ever. Its like her mother could care less if she ends up pregnant, or in jail, or worse. She wants to be a friend more than a mom. We have Alexis's older brother Michael Jr, and because of the way their mom is with Alexis he thinks were to strict. For example he once told us he was going to a friends over night, the next morning we couldn't get a hold of him so we went to the friends house to wake him up because we had things to do that day. His friend, and his friends parents informed us that Michael hadn't stayed the night there, the last time they saw him was at 10 the night before at mcdonalds. We later found out he had spent the night with a girl. So we grounded him for a total of two weeks one week to his room, and one week to the house. Michael is nothing in comparison to his sister, but he also gets consequences for his actions whether they be positive or negative. If he gets good grades and does what hes supposed to he gets time with friends, or a new part for his bike or four wheeler or whatever. I just think that his mom should do more with his sister before something really horrible happens to her. End Rant.

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5sarah New Bern, North Carolina
Moms Expertise
    11/18/13
    Amanda Hurley
    I don't know how it works as a step parent, but I have a friend who is the same way with her 16 year old. The girl has a 15 month old son, has been busted by the police for shoplifting, drinks almost every night of the week, and smokes pot. She comes and goes as she pleases. The mother is a single mother, and the daughter is totally out of control. I have known them for years, and they have always been close to my kids, but I have now had to put my foot down and tell her that she is not to be left alone with my kids. I do not want my kids thinking its ok to do that crap. I really don't have any advice, but I do know how you are feeling. Its frustrating.
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    11/18/13
    5sarah
    very
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      11/18/13
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      11/18/13
      5sarah
      Technically her mom doesn't have custody of her her father and I do but in the state we are in the police call that a "civil issue" and will not make her come home. So basically were screwed. She gets in trouble we pay the fines, quits school we pay the fines, anything she does falls back on us.
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        Tessa
        I'm in the same boat a little. My brother and his girlfriend decided to have a baby at 14. They did everything right and were great parents for 2 1/2 years or so and they decided to move out of my moms and when they did they drugs and partying started. Needless to say his maternal grandmother recently took temporary custody and we are co parenting him together. Her and I. Children services is in the picture so the parents aren't allowed to have any physical contact with him other that visitation once a week. But my nephews 5 and hes a good kid and been threw so much. But I have him from Friday afternoon till lunch time on Mondays. Every Friday when he gets dropped off i spend at least a day getting him used to our rules and routine again. And I'm the mean one cause every one feels bad for him and his situation so they spoil him and hes the only grandkid his maternal grandma has. I make sure I love on him and don't treat him any different than my kids and try to help him with this hard situation but I also believe kids need structure and discipline. And even if they hate you for it one day they will grow up and thank you because it'll make them better adults. I'm just trying to do the best for him since his parents wont. If anyone has any advice please let me know.
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        11/18/13
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        11/18/13
        5sarah
        Thats how it was with little michael as soon as he was old enough to make that choice he told his mom word for word "mom your house is fun but fun gets old after awhile and dads house has always felt more like home can i please go stay with my dad" and being how she is it was ok whatever you want.
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          11/18/13
          ..goodness, that is a dilemma... I would say just be a positive role model for her as much as you can.. offer up that one on one time.. make her see that a routine, healthy lifestyle and good upbringing is a positive route to take.. my Dad was a Judge while I grew up.. so it broke my heart to see kiddos from broken homes going down the exact same path. If she is wise.. in due time she could definitely start to see the benefits of a structured home.. but it sounds like HER Mom wants to be her friend and is letting a 14 live her own life.. so sorry you are in this mess!
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            09/04/14
            Alyssa Martinez
            Has she ever thought of going into a program to get her life together? I notice you live in PA. there is a place called Kids Peace. It is a program for teens to get their life back in order. Maybe if she is involved with child services they can make it manditory that she go.
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            09/04/14
            5sarah
            She doesn't want to do anything she's going to end up in placement if she doesn't straighten up soon
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            About sarah
            Born: Westfield, New York
            Current: New Bern, North Carolina
            Birth: April 30
            On Moms.com since: Oct 30, 2013
            I am 21 and have one child of my own plus my step kids.