I've mentioned before about how my mom wasn't the best mom when I was growing up...she was rarely around and when she was home, she was usually asleep. My relationship with her has been rocky for a long time,but over the past two years, I've come to accept more and understand about her situation back then...being divorced, left with two kids and an ex-husband addicted to alcohol and a variety of drugs. She had to work as much as she possibly could, to give us what she could. She tried to keep us happy with her by buying us video games and toys, and I know by now that that was all she had time for. She was stressed constantly, unhappy all of the time, and tired. She had two young kids who she had to send off to her ex every Wednesday and weekend, knowing he was taking them to parties and raves and rallies that they shouldn't have been at but she had no say in the matter because of the court agreement they had come to.
I hated my mom for a long, long time.
I mention all this because I was talking to her a little while ago. In the past two years, I've finally managed to make the attempt to re-build bridges that she always tried to keep built but that I kept burning on my side. We were just catching up, talking about Nina, about my husband's upcoming sea-duty...talking about my brother's recent activities, just generally catching up. I asked her if she would like me to call every weekend, like my husband and his mom do. Just to talk about whatever, complain about things, whatever, but to just generally keep in touch.
I realized something that really surprised me. I miss my Mom. I hated her for years, resented her, didn't respect her, but I did love her at the same time, even if only a little bit. Now, I miss being back home in Missouri, being near the family that drove me bat-poo crazy. I wasn't just trying to be polite, like I thought I was. I legitimately want to talk to her and keep in contact. It's a strange, sad moment realizing that you actually love and miss someone you thought you loathed.