I don't know what's wrong with me.
All of a sudden I just feel...heartbroken, I guess.
I just want to cry, to sleep, to wake up with Trevor next to me. I don't know why this just hit me, but I can't get over it. Is it all the stress of the past year-ish just dumping on me? Am I just tired? Is it just because I miss Trevor? Is it a combination?
I dunno. I just feel heavy-hearted, very alone, and some other word I can't think of that's adequate enough. All of my friends and family are back in Missouri. Trevor's out on his ship half the world away and will be for months. I'm all alone here (except for Nina but she relies on me for everything), with no one to help me but myself.
I hate feeling lonely. I'm not a strong person, though I pretend to be. How can I not? I can't just mope all day long. I have to keep Nina occupied and happy and well taken care of. Trevor's relying on me to keep his spirits up with our daily calls. I can't dump these feelings on him when he's just as alone as I am, even though he's surrounded by other sailors. I have to lose weight so I can feel good about myself again...I have to make sure I'm eating right and that Nina is eating right and that I stay happy around her so that she stays happy. She knows daddy is gone somewhere, and she's only just recently started to perk up again. I don't want to see her just bawling by his desk sadly crying "dadadadada" again. I have to stay happy for my husband and my daughter, so they can feel like everything is ok and be happy. They're both counting on me to keep everything going and good. I'm "Mommy". I have to be strong. I have to be happy for them, but I won't be happy for me again until he's home...he -is- my happiness. I'm not a strong person. I wish I was.
Sorry. I just needed to let something out.
I agree with Laura. Check out Facebook and see if there are some mommy groups or military wives groups so that you can get in touch with women going through the same struggles... You know that you always have us, too. Hugs mama.