An emotional morning
Fair warning... You may need a box of tissues for this post. And it will be extremely long so bear with me please.
So I don't know where to start this story but I guess I can start where the real emotions started.
As I laid my son down after giving him some Tylonol and a teething ring and a nice warm bottle, he finally drifted off to sleep for his morning nap. Since the girls spent the night at Grandmom and Pop-pop's and we aren't picking them up until a little later on and my fiance is out getting some things done he needs to do, I finally had some time to myself for once.
I decided to take a nice hot shower and give myself some time to relax. Time I have been selfishly been trying to make for myself at my children's expense, I now have freely for the first time in a while.
As I stepped out of the shower and reached for the towels, I glanced down at my stomach. I have been watching what I eat a little more closely the last week or two and working out a bit. I noticed I feel a little slimmer. I am not sure if I actually lost any weight yet seeing as I just started, but for the first time in a long time, I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. As I was looking down to see if I actually look smaller as I feel I do so, I glanced at the tattoo I had gotten right after I had my miscarriage. Its then that I could feel the mixed emotions taking over me.
I have recently been looking into having the tattoo removed or covered up, seeing as how the artist botched it up, and through 3 pregnancies since my miscarriage, it has been stretched over and over. As I was staring down at my botched up tattoo, I started feeling emotions of that time in my life coming back and feeling guilty for thinking about covering it up or removing it completely. I have carried around the last four years, along with all the emotion attached to it that I have not really let out since the week or so that I miscarried. Although we did briefly discuss it and let out some emotion when my Fiance and I went to couples counseling last year for other problems in our relationship, I have never really let those emotions out since it happened.
As I sat in the bathroom, now wrapped in my towel, I finally had my first emotional breakdown since I started my depression medication. I started to rethink all the things throughout all the years that I suffered through my depression and for the first time since I can't remember when, I felt like it was pure true emotion pouring out of me. All of the things I repressed and hid behind my condition, were finally being let out. I started to think about all the things that could have been. I know my life is sometimes overwhelming with three little ones running around, and I know there is no way I could handle a fourth, but I started to wonder how different things would be if our little angel were here with us now and a real part of our family.
I remember as I went into the bathroom at the hospital the night I miscarried, before I had even been seen by a doctor and as I sat there watching the blood pour out and suffering through the contractions of the miscarriage, I held my tiny little stomach and cried, begged and pleaded to my little baby not to give up. I promised that if it wouldn't give up on me that I would never ever give up on it. After being taken back to see the doctor and having an ultrasound to find out what was happening, I got to see my little angel and here its heartbeat for the first and last time. After being there for a few hours, we were released from the hospital. They told me there was nothing I could do but wait it out and see what fate held for us since I was only six weeks along. After we went home and the bleeding got heavier, I knew there was no hope of our baby making it through the night. I truly believe a little part of myself, the person I didn't even know anymore, had died with my baby that night. A part of me just started giving up.
My life since then has been like quicksand. The more I tried to be happy, even though briefly I would be or appear to be, the deeper I fell into my depression. Although the news and arrival of my children brought me much joy, it was almost like putting a patch of happiness on my life that was secretly fraying and falling apart. A secret to not only everyone around me but also to myself. I never realized what I was feeling or what was wrong. To me it was my normal for as long as I can think back. I never knew why I felt the way I felt or made the decisions I did.
I have a lot of regrets about the decisions I have made in the past and the people I have hurt along the way. Even though I never had an addiction of any sort, in a sense this whole condition has made me function as if I did have one. Although I may not have turned to drugs or alcohol to try to cope with the feelings I had or try to drown them out, I did chase many temporary highs. In general it was more on an adrenaline side of things. Most of it was fueled by attention from others, mostly from boys or men. I jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend and never really spent anytime solely by myself to discover who I was because of the fear. The constant attention and adrenaline I would get from the newness of a relationship or meaningless encounters with guys was like a temporary high to me. It temporarily suppressed the feelings I was struggling with and didn't fully understand. I wound up with a lot of people who were no good for me and tended to push away the guys or actually in my case there was only one genuinely interested in me and not in what was underneath my clothes. I will freely admit that while my Fiance and I were lucky enough to have found love and happiness together, he started out as a fling. Another patch on my frayed life. We actually had nothing in common when we first got together. Our relationship was mostly based on a physical level and not so much emotional.
Since our miscarriage, we struggled a lot in our relationship. Even though we loved each other and our children, we just simply couldn't find happiness together no matter how hard we tried. It wasn't until I found out I was pregnant with Hunter that things finally spiraled completely out of control. With our relationship being down more than up, I started to fall back into my old ways and seek the attention that temporarily boosted my adrenaline and made me feel "high" so to speak. It was as if I was relapsing with an addiction. Unfortunately, I gave into my own selfish wants and needs and strayed from our relationship with another man. The ordeal went on for a few months before everything came out and it finally ended.
It was a time in my life that I thought I had hit rock bottom. And the craziest part about it was that the person standing there to pick me back up and dust me off is the very same person I betrayed the most in all my selfish downfall, my Fiance. In a time where things should have torn us completely apart, we struggled to put our lives and relationship back together. The only difference this time was that the effort was a completely different one from the past. We sought help to get our emotions out and try to develop better communication skills. Alas just as we started making some progress, and as I was 5 months pregnant, I lost my job. I was our main income for the last few years. It was one of the things that caused on of our biggest relationship struggles. My income went towards everything and I felt like I was struggling to make ends meet without much assistance from my Fiance.
With the loss of my job, came more financial struggles and also meant we could no longer afford our counseling. I was sure that we were doomed to fail, I will admit, but something amazing happened. We kept going. Every time something came our way, we picked ourselves back up and kept going. A time in our lives that should have made us completely fall apart, brought us closer together than we had ever been and we continued to grow from there. For reasons I cant explain, I had such a hard time really processing my emotions. I couldn't give my Fiance the thing he needed and wanted most. An apology. While on the inside I was filled with remorse and guilt, I could not convey it. My natural instincts, as with all things I didn't know how to process emotionally, were to suppress the feelings and emotions.
As I sat here today, thinking about all the things from the past, I could feel all the emotions coming back and flowing through me. It truly felt like for the first time I had clarity. I could truly focus on how I felt and let all the things I kept pent up for all this time just flow through my body and leave. It is as if I was making peace, morning and letting go of my past finally so I can solely focus on bettering my future.
I only wish there was a way to make up to everyone I hurt in the past for the things I have done. I would like to just take the time out to do something that for so long I have not been able to wholeheartedly do.
I would like to apologize to my family. I know I have not always been easy to handle and I have made a lot of bad decisions, but know I don't plan on ever repeating them. I love you all so much.
I would like to apologize mostly to my children and most of all my wonderful Fiance. I feel like I hurt you all the most. A lot of times I wonder if you all deserve a Mom and Fiance who is much better to you than I am. Although I love you all with all of my heart, I have a very hard time truly showing just how much I do so.
To my children, I am sorry that Mommy isn't all you need her to be. I know I have and still make a lot of mistakes when it comes to being your Mom. But I want so much to be better for you. Even though sometimes you drive Mommy crazy, you are all so special and deserve the best. I am just so sorry that I don't know how to be the best for you, but know that one day I will figure it out. I love you all so much!
To my Fiance, I know we have had a lot of trouble in the past and I have caused you a lot of heartache, but I love you more than you could ever imagine. I am sorry for the things I have done in the past that caused my fair share of our problems and for blaming you for my shortcomings. Most of all I am sorry for robbing you of the happiness you should have been able to experience when our only son was born. It was the hardest thing for me to see when you couldn't even hold him not knowing if it was truly your baby. If I could go back and change everything, I would in an instant. Even solely if it was just for that moment of bliss when our little boy arrived. I hope that one day you can forgive me for all I have done and I can have the honor of being called your wife. I love you so much and you deserve to be happy. Whether it be with me as a family or with someone else. I want you to know that I want you to be happy no matter what. I promise to try to be all I can to make it up to you. I love you so much!
And lastly to myself, I want to apologize for not seeking help sooner to avoid all the heartache I have caused myself. I am sorry I didn't have the respect for myself that I should have. And that I let myself fall into such bad situations. Through it all, I promise that I will never give up on myself again and will never fall back into my past. I will take everything one day at a time and solely live in the present and try to improve my chances for the future.
I found this earlier and thought it was very inspiring. It is the 12 things to tell yourself everyday so that you can lead yourself to a life of happiness.
This is just an excerpt from the pamphlet from
"JUST FOR TODAY: THE CHOICE IS MINE
1. Just for today I will try to live through this day only, not tackling all of my problems at once. I can do something at this
moment that would discourage me if I had to continue it for a lifetime.
2. Just for today I will try to be happy, realizing my happiness does not depend on what others do or say or what happens
around me. Happiness is a result of being at peace with myself.
3. Just for today I will try to adjust myself to what is and not force everything to adjust to my own desires. I will accept my family,
my friends, my business, my circumstances as they come.
4. Just for today I will take care of my physical health; I will exercise my mind; I will read something spiritual.
5. Just for today I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. If anyone knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least one
thing I don’t want to do, and I will perform some small act of love for my neighbor.
6. Just for today I will try to go out of my way to be kind to someone I meet. I will be considerate, talk low, and look as good as I
can. I will not engage in unnecessary criticism or finding fault, nor try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.
7. Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests— hurry
8. Just for today I will stop saying, “If I had time.” I never will find time for anything. If I want time, I must take it.
9. Just for today I will have a quiet time of meditation wherein I shall think of my Higher Power, of myself, and of my neighbor. I
shall relax and seek truth.
10. Just for today I shall be unafraid. Particularly, I shall be unafraid to be happy, to enjoy what is good, what is beautiful, and what
is lovely in life.
11. Just for today I will not compare myself with others. I will accept myself and live to the best of my ability.
12. Just for today I choose to believe that I can live this one day."
You apologize a lot, but have you forgiven yourself? You are human sweetie. You went through a LOT. Some things that people can hardly comprehend. If the worst thing you can say about yourself is that you didn't deal with things perfectly then you are doing pretty damn good.
We ALL hurt people we love. That doesn't mean we are terrible people. In fact, most of us are good people who sometimes make really fucked up decisions. (raises hand, been there) The point is, you need to forgive yourself too.
I am glad you are feeling things again. That is hard to deal with after you've been numb for a long time. Expect to feel numb again sometimes because that's been your default for a long time. Don't panic too much about this, just be patient with yourself. In fact, you may always have a little bit of that to you, and it's okay. But just visit that place within yourself, don't live there.