Poring it all out

still having health issues but it is a lot more dealable. I took myself off of pill that was mixed with my depression medison, also helps with headaches. It seems to make me better as a person without it. I don't sleep as much, have some patients versus none, not up all night. Only problem I still have is as my husband says my attitude. Half the time I don't even realize I have one or even that I'm being mean. Like until after what's done is done n what's said is said. But I've had this issue sense I was first sick in march.like I don't want any judging, I no I've done wrong, always after it's done... Anyways, trying to parent my two kids is so hard. My five year old does things she knows I hate. Like acting like her brother instead of herself or knowing she shouldn't be doing something but does it anyways.. I hate it and I tell her everyday, still does it every day. I even ask her if she likes it when I'm mean to her.. Yelling at her... My out of control thing is calling names, putting people down. I no it's sick. I said domt judge. I don't no how to be nice when I'm so irritated. I was raised the same way. Always name calling n being put down. So why do I do it when I no it hurts? Good question, like I said I don't no I'm doing it until it's done n over with. I tell her I love her n I'm sorry. Thing is now she's starting to act out like me with the yelling n name calling.my problem I no. Agian I don't no what I'm doing. I see my dad in me big time, not good at all sense I can't stand my dad. I domt want to have the same relationship with my daughter that I do with my dad. So don't be like him? How?? How do I stop myself? How do I stay calm even? That's my biggest problem these days. Then for me and my son... He is three. He's my baby, naturally I'm nicer to him. My thing is he is younger and copy's his sister a lot. It's not his fault he does what she does, she knows better n he don't.. Right.. Now I have to teach him right from wrong. I don't let him get away with everything, agian he's my baby.. Now for this one.. How do I stop favoring my son? I realize now after fighting with my husband that it's not fair. Nor right, and sure not a good way to let kids think it's ok to treat one better but not the other. How do I fix this? I love both my kids to death. I want what's best for them both. I'm hard on my daughter because she's older n will be starting school. I want her to no what's right n wrong.. Same with my son. But I mean, I'm not gonna be there with her when she's at school. I want her to make the right choices without me. Kids at school have a effect on every other kid. I want mine to be nice n stick up for others. Be a good kid. Now I'm not always mean to her either, just when she is doing things she shouldn't or annoys me by acting like her brother. She needs to be her own person. So knowing what's going on, my issues with my anger n annoyance, the fact it's also how I was raised. How do I stop myself n be nicer, how do let my daughter no why I'm so mean. How do I start treating both kids equal??

    Have you looked into CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy? If not, look it up online... It can really be a help with things like this. I admit, I'm terrible for this sort of thing too... but when I practice CBT and when I meditate frequently, it helps.
    About Rachel Silvers
    Born: Dodgeville, Wisconsin
    Current: Mount Hope, Wisconsin
    Birth: March 09
    On Moms.com since: Feb 18, 2014
    I am a mom of two with one on the way. My oldests name is kaytlin and she is four. Then there's my baby Noah, he is two. I'm expecting a baby in September. My kids are my world. I am a stay at home mom and wife.