i actually want to tell you guys my story. because well i trust you.
idk maybe some of you guys will relate to me. its okay if you dont. im not looking for sympathy. i just want to tell you guys my story.
My family moved in with my grandparents when i was 5. At that time my 17 year old cousin also lived with us. when i was that age i looked up to him. i would do anything to make him happy. i followed him around like a puppy. but as i grew older and began to understand what actually happened in those 3 years he lived with us.... i was horrified. i even began having nightmares. it was more than just a cousin relationship. he even.... touched me in front of the family... while i sat on his lap on the couch.... since then i havent been very good with people. i have commitment issues and people honestly scared me. it has taken alot for me to get to where i am now. i am still fearful and get anxiety when talking to people....
Junior highschool my grandma died and thats when my parents basically turned on me. they started tell me i was a failure, i was worthless, ugly, fat, a bitch, whore, you name it ( they did not know about my cousin and at that point i couldnt even talk to boys ) but what they said really effected me. i fell into myself and what little progress i did make, was immediately destroyed and i talked to no one until highschool.
Highschool, the torment continued. but now not only was i getting made fun of at home, it was at school too. i stopped eating, but once a day. i used to be so self conscious id tighten belts all around my stomach, even syranwrap to try to make the fat go away. my thoughts became scary and i spent nights crying, i felt alone and scared. i started talking to select people because i had to. i learned how to act happy on the outside and hide all the evil darkness and depression inside. but really.... i was very suicidal and even tried a few times. the fear of being a burden both drove me and stopped me. highschool is when my brother really started to become evil. scared me to death. he would beat me and break my doors and walls trying to kill me.he cussed me out whenever he could.
College. my brothers violence worsened. until i decided to claim my freedom. but i did something stupid.... i ran away to leave with some man miles away.... i didnt tell anyone where i was. i did meet some people in an attempt to make friends and be happy. but still i was sad. the man i moved in with kicked me out.
Next: so i called my old boyfriend from highschool that i never got over. at this point we had been talking for a few years after the break up. he came to my rescue. i have never been so in love. thats how we got kado. i eventually moved back in with my parents afraid to burden Garys mom. i still have bad dreams, i am still depressed, i still have issues with how i look, my family are still mean as ever. i just learned to hide how i feel more. from everyone. the only thing that keeps me from crying is because Kado is with me 24/7 and i dont want him to suffer through my depression.
so far.... thats my story. sorry. i just needed to tell someone
i strive to be the best parent i can be. i want my children to grow up loved and never having to grow through what i felt. i want them to KNOW they are beautiful, i never want them to doubt themselves.