being a step child
Hi i have a question for step children out there i am a mom of one tho i still battle with my own mom on step parent issues i know sounds silly being almost 22 but me and my mom had a extremely close bond after i was in a car accident and my mom was married to a man who had three other kids with her and me and my sister are the only two from my dad and have no relationship with him at all. My mom and her ex husband were married for six years and he was abusive towards me in many ways but she had an affair with her current man and have been together for three or four years and i do not like him one bit either and me and its not a guy hate thing either i have a soon to be husband but he has a son my age and he is extremely rude he has called me fat several times over fb. So i just hate them both his son doesn't pay rent and lives at my moms he doesn't pay for anything at all but when i need help i get looked at as bad and my mom hates his son and doesn't seem to even enjoy the man in her life how should i deal with this in a better way then getting mad and moving away from them and cutting them out of my life
The best advice I can give to you is to be the bigger person out it. Something you should try to understand is, just like being a step child is not easy for many especially with negative contributing factors involved..... Being a step parent is just as difficult. It took me a long time to realize and believe this but it's true.
I would suggest if possible to write down the things that affect you most/who is involved in them and why. As far as the issues regarding your step brother and his status at your moms house------Unfortunately, that is between your mom and her man. It may be helpful for you to suggest her writing down the same (things that affect her). The reason I suggested this is because right you are all now considered a family. Just like any family household blood related or not you're still family through their union. The only way to get through things is by talking it through altogether. I suggested writing the things down so you can remember each incident/situation to talk through. Getting it on paper can help part of your venting process so you can be clear minded and speak civilly on each matter. The point of the family gathering is so you can each speak on issues to try and understand what/why/hows. "What" is happening (on or behind the scenes), "Why" it has become an issue, and finally "How" it affects you each, and "How" to resolve it together to get through it and move forward.
As far as your step brother being rude on fb he clearly is having a hard time accepting the situation as well. It could be for his own reasons really having nothing to do with you but because you're an added member to his new changed family he may just be taking it out on you and just not giving you a chance. Regarding needing help, don't worry about how others look at you for it. Life happens and sometimes we just need help. However; being rude and stooping to his level in return wont help at all and just make it more difficult to find a resolution everyone may be willing to give a true effort to try.
Now the gathering should be altogether and made aware to everyone upfront in advance. Maybe a statement somewhere along the lines of... "Things seem to be getting challenging and hard for everyone and that instead of being there for each other through the changes and tough times, it seems that everyone is coping in ways that are affecting others causing things to be challenging or misunderstood. And it may be a good idea to come together....... express feelings, be open minded, accepting each others feelings and together try to understand and find a way to be there for each other". Possibly taking some time to get to know each other more and trying to do some fun things together although may feel awkward at first could be helpful. Maybe playing a game together-like Taboo teams could be you and your mom vs Dad and son, or other game,/board games, bowling, or playing softball/kickball with another family-family vs family to make you play as a team, or possibly paintball to both get out frustrations and be competitive and fun. The point of the gathering is not to vent and yell at each other and be dramatic and cause angry matches between each other but instead to open up and get feelings out. If your step brother living there rent free is a problem then that is something she needs to handle with his father. She should write her things down and it should be suggested for everyone to do so before the actual gathering happens so it's fair to everyone.
I'm no expert, but I do understand how frustrating and hard this can be. Shutting everyone out still wont resolve the issue and can cause more misunderstandings. My heart is with you and I hope this was helpful in some way, even if it helped you come up with some other way to help resolve it. i wish you the best with this and I'm here to talk to if you ever need me.