being a step child

Hi i have a question for step children out there i am a mom of one tho i still battle with my own mom on step parent issues i know sounds silly being almost 22 but me and my mom had a extremely close bond after i was in a car accident and my mom was married to a man who had three other kids with her and me and my sister are the only two from my dad and have no relationship with him at all. My mom and her ex husband were married for six years and he was abusive towards me in many ways but she had an affair with her current man and have been together for three or four years and i do not like him one bit either and me and its not a guy hate thing either i have a soon to be husband but he has a son my age and he is extremely rude he has called me fat several times over fb. So i just hate them both his son doesn't pay rent and lives at my moms he doesn't pay for anything at all but when i need help i get looked at as bad and my mom hates his son and doesn't seem to even enjoy the man in her life how should i deal with this in a better way then getting mad and moving away from them and cutting them out of my life

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    08/10/14
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    08/10/14
    well my mom is the type of person where its her money that she makes its her children their in a relationship but they dont have plans on getting married and my mom can not have anymore children. but she is a very independent person she really doesnt need any one in life like a partner im not truly sure why he is there anymore mom talks about him and his son and says that if things do not change she wants them both to leave but shell let it go and nothing changes his son creates issues in that house and throws me and my fiance in the middle of it as well i live like five mins down the road and im over there almost everyday with my daughter. and yes they do make exsuces he says he can not pay rent because he doesnt make enough money but he works a 30-40 hour week and makes round about the same my fiance does and we are doing okay on our own he is recently single so he blames that and he says everyone in my moms house is mean to him but every one says hi and trys to be nice he makes up stories and stuff. but my mom and his dad started having hat every they have when his mom and his dad were still together so it was not the best way of leaving and my mom has me who is 21 and a 17 year old daughter my biological sister then i have 3 younger sisters 14 , 12, 6 so when they were allowed to go see their father before he wasnt allowed to see them they were able to go have fun and do stuff but then when my mom got full custody her current bf started getting idk how to put it nasty almost then she had him move in and yeah its just gone down hill from him moving in then his son then moving to california together. ps sorry for the book and a half
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    08/11/14
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      08/11/14
      That's a tough situation, but you defnitely have to take care of yourself and your family who may not have a lot of option in it otherwise. Maybe if you're doing it politely and keeping your distance, your mom will get the point and maybe facilitate some change. I don't know though, overall that's really tough.
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        08/11/14
        Cait, I'm so sorry you are going through this. These situations can be really tough. I have a stepmother as well, a step sister with a 3 year age difference and 2 brothers from our parents now both out of high school . She's been a part of my life for about 24 years now. I have to say the first 10 years were extremely difficult and challenging and I often felt very alone. However, I lived with them in the beginning for a couple of years and just couldn't do it-I was very young tho too and chose to live with my mother instead in Houston, TX rather than with them in NJ where we were from.
        The best advice I can give to you is to be the bigger person out it. Something you should try to understand is, just like being a step child is not easy for many especially with negative contributing factors involved..... Being a step parent is just as difficult. It took me a long time to realize and believe this but it's true.
        I would suggest if possible to write down the things that affect you most/who is involved in them and why. As far as the issues regarding your step brother and his status at your moms house------Unfortunately, that is between your mom and her man. It may be helpful for you to suggest her writing down the same (things that affect her). The reason I suggested this is because right you are all now considered a family. Just like any family household blood related or not you're still family through their union. The only way to get through things is by talking it through altogether. I suggested writing the things down so you can remember each incident/situation to talk through. Getting it on paper can help part of your venting process so you can be clear minded and speak civilly on each matter. The point of the family gathering is so you can each speak on issues to try and understand what/why/hows. "What" is happening (on or behind the scenes), "Why" it has become an issue, and finally "How" it affects you each, and "How" to resolve it together to get through it and move forward.
        As far as your step brother being rude on fb he clearly is having a hard time accepting the situation as well. It could be for his own reasons really having nothing to do with you but because you're an added member to his new changed family he may just be taking it out on you and just not giving you a chance. Regarding needing help, don't worry about how others look at you for it. Life happens and sometimes we just need help. However; being rude and stooping to his level in return wont help at all and just make it more difficult to find a resolution everyone may be willing to give a true effort to try.
        Now the gathering should be altogether and made aware to everyone upfront in advance. Maybe a statement somewhere along the lines of... "Things seem to be getting challenging and hard for everyone and that instead of being there for each other through the changes and tough times, it seems that everyone is coping in ways that are affecting others causing things to be challenging or misunderstood. And it may be a good idea to come together....... express feelings, be open minded, accepting each others feelings and together try to understand and find a way to be there for each other". Possibly taking some time to get to know each other more and trying to do some fun things together although may feel awkward at first could be helpful. Maybe playing a game together-like Taboo teams could be you and your mom vs Dad and son, or other game,/board games, bowling, or playing softball/kickball with another family-family vs family to make you play as a team, or possibly paintball to both get out frustrations and be competitive and fun. The point of the gathering is not to vent and yell at each other and be dramatic and cause angry matches between each other but instead to open up and get feelings out. If your step brother living there rent free is a problem then that is something she needs to handle with his father. She should write her things down and it should be suggested for everyone to do so before the actual gathering happens so it's fair to everyone.
        I'm no expert, but I do understand how frustrating and hard this can be. Shutting everyone out still wont resolve the issue and can cause more misunderstandings. My heart is with you and I hope this was helpful in some way, even if it helped you come up with some other way to help resolve it. i wish you the best with this and I'm here to talk to if you ever need me.
        Hugs!
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        About Cait valenti
        Born: Kingston, New York
        Current: Hemet, California
        Birth: November 26
        On Moms.com since: Apr 25, 2014
        i have one beautiful daughter and trying for another one or two with her great dad/husband. we also have two kitties first is roger then other is finn. we moved from New york to California in july 20th of 2013. tattooed pierced hippy loving family