Abnormal behavior

I understand that four year olds are generally hyper and defiant. But where do you draw the line between normal four year old behavior and abnormal four year old behavior? My step/soon to be daughter is beyond the limit of what's reasonable. She is totally out of control and listens to nothing. She will not make eye contact when being talked to. She won't sit in time out and will become physical if you try to correct her for anything. For example yesterday she wasn't staying away from the pool so she was told to come inside. I had to carry her while being punched in the back repeatedly and kicked in the hip to get her in the house she then was getting a time out for her behavior, the time out ultimately resulted in a 45 minute fight that ended with her in her room until she calmed down. Her doctor keeps trying to tell us this is normal. Were going back today to fight with them some more and try to convince them the kid needs help. Mental Health around here won't take a four year old on an outpatient basis they want us to admit her and I'm not willing to admit my four year old.

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5sarah New Bern, North Carolina
    08/20/14
    I think to a point it is normal but it sounds like she doesn't know how to calm herself down. There are some ways you can hold her that won't harm her that will make her feel secure and not out of control. I know a therapist or doctor can teach you how to do them. I learned when I was doing daycare. Normally within a few minutes the kid I was holding would calm down.
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      08/20/14
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      08/20/14
      5sarah
      Her moms never really been involved and when she was she was inconsistent. She's kind of always been this way. Idk what's wrong with her.
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        08/20/14
        Try giving her a calming bottle. Have her help you make one or 3 if she needs them. They might help. Make sure to super or hot glue the tops on so they don't come off.

        http://www.pinterest.com/search/pins/?q=kid%20cal…

        I agree with Amy it sounds like she doesn't know how to calm down. Also when she's mad and AFTER her time out do you talk to her about why she was so mad? And what she did that was not ok?

        When I had to put kids in time out and they were yelling and screaming I would tell them, "I'm sorry your mad but I love you and when you are done and calm down we can talk about this." AND every time you are done talking about it make sure to give her a hug.

        She is also probably pushing new boundaries to see how far she can push you. Try to never yell at her. Use your calm voice. I know its hard but its all worth a try. Have her Daddy talk to her to. Have her color a picture after to help show why she was so mad. If you can figure out why she is so mad maybe it will help you to calm her down. Make sure she knows that its never okay to hit someone.

        Keep up posted and I will let you know if I think of anything else. Keep us posted on how everything is going.
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          08/20/14
          Sarah, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's tough, but I do agree with Amy, Annie, and MollyMae. Being a step parent and also a step child is not easy especially with inconsistencies. If she had any bond with her mom she may feel abandoned or insecure because of uncertainty/instability. Because of this it can be very easy to get anxious or scared and not knowing how to calm down or even trust anyone to be close to her enough to try to cooperate when behaving badly. It could honestly be a combination of many things.But don't give up. I wouldn't admit her either especially if you're not comfortable doing so . I would most certainly try different tactics with her and when she's upset I also would hold her like Amy said. Even if she battles you, and comfort her with your words while holding her and let her know it's okay and that you're there and you love her. Even if she says ugly things in return just tell her it's okay. She may battle and fight it out in the beginning but if you stay consistent she'll begin to see that you are, and it can allow her to see and feel she can begin to trust you. Be patient and speak to her father too to be sure you're both on the same playing field and tackling the matter the same way.
          Ask her how she feels and let her express herself, and often not just when she is upset. Show her it's okay to be upset or mad but hurting other people or herself is not okay and teach her other ways to release her stress/anger. When she's happy, share her happiness and reward good behavior.
          Putting her in time out the way you did is great, it may be helpful if there is a specific place just for time out like a corner or chair/bench not to be associated with anything else. Sending her to her room until she calms down and is ready to talk is also goo. But most important be sure to allow her to express her feelings to you to help build communication, understanding and a bond between you both. I wish you the best and my heart goes out to you both. Stay positive and it will get better. :-)
          Big Hugs
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          08/20/14
          5sarah
          She never does not even at bedtime
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            08/20/14
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            08/20/14
            5sarah
            Nope pissed me of to be honest
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              08/20/14
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              08/20/14
              5sarah
              They're the kind of doctors that think if the parents say it's something wrong were crazy. He aggrees with me she needs something be it services or whatever but they're idiots around here as far as pediatricians go
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                08/20/14
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                08/20/14
                5sarah
                Her mom hasn't seen her in almost ten months and rarely calls. Were trying to get the courts to let me adopt her.
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                About sarah
                Born: Westfield, New York
                Current: New Bern, North Carolina
                Birth: April 30
                On Moms.com since: Oct 30, 2013
                I am 21 and have one child of my own plus my step kids.