Caring for your Parents

I read a letter on Dear Abby that got my wheels turning.. A lady didn't want to take care of her MIL because she has alzheimer's.

I can completely understand not wanting to/being able to shoulder that responsibility-it is a lot to take on. But in my mind, that's family. That's what we're supposed to do. They took care of us when we were sick, we should do the same for them as long as we're able. Yes, there may come a point where they might need more medical care than you can provide in which case a home would be easier with 24/7 nurses.

I am adamant that if any of our parents need someone to take care of them as they age and can't be alone anymore, we will make a way they can move in with us. All the parents flat out say 'don't do it' (but I'm not going to listen if I'm able, and my husband agrees).

What about you? Will you take care of your parents/in laws when the time comes or do you think they are better being taken care of in a retirement community?

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    08/28/14
    Melissa Middleton
    My hubby's mother has Alzheimer's. His sisters take turns watching her as well as a few nurses because the sisters do work and cannot be there during the day. She also has dementia. She lives behind us on the hill so we see her often. I cannot watch her because I have kids and both with special needs. They have talked, some of them, of putting her in a nursing home because it has come to the point they need locks on the exiting doors because she has wondered outside during the night into the woods.
    I don't want to see her be placed in a nursing home, but I also see the toll it has taken on m SILs. It's a tough decision. My hubby doesn't want her in a nursing home, either. They believe she can be better taken care of there and watched because they struggle and she does get violent sometimes. It is not her fault but they are having a very difficult time. She also has other health concerns. She doesn't know who anyone is anymore, sadly. And she now believes she lives somewhere else, a place she has lived since she was a little girl. Her minded reverted back to that time and has stayed there. She believes she lives in Kentucky, not Virginia. She keeps saying she wants to go home.
    The house she lives in, she has lived in it for over 50 years.
    I can understand both sides on this. But, could I stick my mother in a nursing home. No, I could not if I were able to provide what she needed.
    1
    08/28/14
    Yes, unfortunately there does come a point with some ailments where family cannot do it anymore.
    0
      08/28/14
      I have seen first hand what happens to a family that tries to take care of an advanced alzheimers parent. It's not just making sure they take their medication and eat dinner. Some of these patients can be a harm to themselves and other people. They require a level of care beyond what a family member can give. They require 24/7 supervision and nursing care depending on how their alzheimers affects them. It' snot as simple as not wanting to, some people truly just cannot safely do this.

      I hope to take care of my mother when she is elderly and she knows this. But I would not put her in danger or myself in danger if it wasn't safe for either of us.
      2
      08/28/14
      I agree with that. I wouldn't want anyone in danger either.
      1
        08/28/14
        Comment deleted
        08/28/14
        That's exactly what the mom and MIL say. Her other son and DIL are more than willing to comply, but we flat out refuse.
        1
          08/28/14
          8Theresa Gould
          Yes, we have offered to take care of both our mothers. I know my mom appreciates she won't be put in a home, but my mil doesn't want to be a burden, blah, blah, blah. She just doesn't get that we want to do it for her and that we feel it is our responsibility. She'll be 82 this year and still lives on her own so who knows if we will have to or not.
          1
          08/28/14
          That's great she's able to live on her own still. It seems rare anymore.
          1
          08/28/14
          8Theresa Gould
          I know. She had a couple of rough winters a couple of years ago health wise but she's been on an even keel since. She's fortunate.
          1
          08/28/14
          She is. My grandparent that's still with us is in a home because she won't let anybody in the family care for her and if she moves in with somebody she literally cleans until she can't move. So my mom and her sisters put her in a home and she seems to like it on her good days.
          1
          08/28/14
          8Theresa Gould
          That's good that she likes it, at least on her good days. I've heard stories where they were put in a home and seem to lose hope or desire to live. I don't want that for either of our moms.
          0
          08/28/14
          Yeah. My paternal grandma pretty much died a week after she was put in a home because of a stroke . My paternal grandpa lived another 10 years, but he wasn't all there. A part of him died when grandma did and he just wanted to join her. I've seen that hopeless look so many times.
          1
          08/28/14
          8Theresa Gould
          It's rather sad. I've volunteered in nursing homes and it is rather depressing and it took extra effort to keep a smile on my face.
          0
          08/28/14
          Yes it does. :)
          1
          About Tabitha
          Current: Salem, South Dakota
          Birth: January 28
          On Moms.com since: Mar 29, 2014
          *Pregnancy Team Player here at moms.com* I'm a stay at home mom to five and housewife. We are old fashioned it pretty much everything we do and still learning. Naturally-minded. Owner of the blog Stay at home Wife and Mom.
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