so I'm typing this in hopes of recieving advice on my problems and also to get it off my chest. I'm currently feeling so depressed, I'm down...feeling tired, sad, worthless, just feeling like the worse mom ever. I don't even know if i should be called a mom.
so let me explain who I am and why I been feeling like total crap! I'm 20 going on 21 with a 8 month old baby girl going on 9 months.
my boyfriend/fiancee and I have been living with my parents a few weeks before we found out I was pregnant. after maddie was born i was feeling a bit depressed, i was told to tell my doctor, but i didn't think i needed to since most of my life no one really cared about me and plus i was just another patient to the doctors and nurses at the hospital i went to.
i had a c-section as a result of nothing. my doctors never gave me or my fiancee a reason to why i was to under go surgery. my ob was supposed to be there she never showed, so they stuck me with just a random doctor who gave up trying to induce me and pushed my case into the hands of another who gave the orders to rush me into a c-section. you would think he would have taken the time to see my case on how i was progressing or if i wasn't. instead he never walked into my room to introduce himself and never allowed me to have my own opinion on weather i wanted a c-section or not. I DID NOT WANT THE DAMN C-SECTION! I honestly don't know how much more clear i could have been on that, but regardless of what any of us thought he ordered the nurses to prep me. by the way even the nurses didn't know why i was being preped.
let me go back a bit. it started off on a saturday at 3:30pm i was admitted into the hospital to be induced, because i was already 41weeks. i understand the no eating policy incase of surgery(vomiting) but what bothered me the whole time i was there was the lack of communication. i know im a bit of a loner but talk about mutes running the hospital. i wasn't allowed to walk at all. i had no pain meds, all natural. yet when i was given the meds to induce me i felt her coming down towards my pelvic. but once the doctor came in the check my cervix, god forgive me, but i swear to you that doctor shoved her hand up my vagina so many times that not only was it painful but i could tell that my baby shift positions and retreated back up instead of pushing down. in result the doctor kept saying i was moving along slowly and that i was 3cm.
now my ob was supposed to be the one montoring my baby and me and i later found out she was on christmas vacation. you got to be kidding me she had been going on about where to meet her at the hospital or at the clinic before hand, and that she didn't have plans her kids had there own life and families, some at college and what not. anyways she was a no show she still remains out of the loop about my baby girl she hasn't seen her.
back at the hospital the next day came, it was 6am and i have not sleept all day and night with the nurse constently checking on me and maddie, also the doctor coming to check my cervix. i was 6cm by the time it was 10am almost 7cm, but since the doctor was clocking out my case was given to another doctor never met him till after the surgery. he gave the order to prep us. now keep in mind i been in that bed since 4pm that saturday till monday 10am i was given the ok to get up and walk.
now in my past when i was 12yrs old i had knee surgery on both knees, so i know what its like to under go the scaple, twice i might say. now this. when i had been saying since the beginning of my pregnance that i wanted an all natural birth no meds, as always no one listened. through the whole procedure im wide awake regardless of how sleepy i was a nurse would not let me close my eyes during the operation.
MADDIE WAS BORN ONE MINTUE BEFORE 7PM! YAY! right...? not exactly...once she was removed from my womb i was shown at a glance at my first baby and she was so beautiful i wanted to hold her. DENIED! they toke her away to NICU. WHY?! you may ask. well i didn't find out till later by my fiancee around 9pm almost 10pm, and i qoute "she has a fever and we need to montor her and give her anitbiotics"
i freaked out and demanded my fiancee ask what happened...they simple said that the doctor would be right in to explain...another no show.
monday comes around everyone has seen my baby, except myself, my mom and my aunt have carried her first before me, her mother. so my depression sets in i didn't want to talk to anyone. doctor walks in at 10am and says to start walking etc. i asked about my baby she is still being montored and i qoute "oh, you may go see your baby, just ring the door bell" i felt a bit excited but i soon went back into my quiet self...watching tv waiting on the nurse to come unplug a machine to go to the NICU.
once i scrubed in and sat in a rocking chair wainting for the nurse to hand me my baby my heart filled with happieness that wasn't the only thing the filled with happeness, my eyes watered tears came splashing onto the robe i wore watching my baby's distoreted face through these stinging tears i was just so happy to finaly hold her and see her. God only knew how much i loved my baby.
I'M SORRY I HAVE BEEN RAMBLING ON AND ON ABOUT MY EXPERINCE ON MY BIRTHING. WHEN I SHOULD BE TELLING YOU WHY I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE AS A MOTHER.
long story short....since i had my baby eveything has changed my fiancee has been sort of distent, i don't know fault on my part or if he's lost interest. secondly my mother has been trying to replace me as my baby's mother. she comes and takes maddie from me when she cries. i've tried everything to calm maddie when she cries but she won't calm down so my mom comes and tells me how im doing everything wrong and how i resent my baby because she was a girl and not a boy, and alot of other things i wish i can explain but i would just be boring you with alot of reading. but if you would like for me to explain more then comment and i'll try my best to give more details on my situations.
typing all this has calmed me down alot, i have be crying because my baby girl has been up for a while fussing and crying and i wasnt able to calm her down and as always my mother came into the room taking her away from me saying that i need to stop giving stuff when shes the one giving me baby stuff she shouldn't be having. my fiancee is trying to fix things with us but honestly i don't know, maybe hes right, maybe i need to chill out more.
anyways anybody have advice on anything about raising a child around your mother and/or family. one more thing anyone know how to put a baby to sleep through the night. maddie keeps waking up for feedings every two or three hours and shes almost 9months old and how to put her to sleep without fussing to much.
it has felt so good to type all of this to just get this off my chest, and if you are reading this thank you for taking the time to listen to me. it means alot. i'm sorry for it being a bit explict.