Feelings, Lately

My hubby and I have been married for almost 2.5 years. Jaina is my step-daughter. She lives with us. At first, Jaina adored me. But, things began to change months after Steven and I got married. Lately, the feeling of her not wanting me here and not liking me has become even more intense. I have been trying to bond with her but, as she grows older, she wants less to do with me. She told her biological father last night that he was not her father, her step-dad was. I know she says these things to hurt him. She hurt us both last night, emotionally. My heart is still breaking. She thinks I am trying to replace her mother, which I am not. I am just trying to help her with things and to treat her and my biological son the same. When her mother doesn't call, she takes it out on us because her mother does no wrong in her eyes. She has been slightly mean to her little brother here, too. I have been getting hateful, nasty looks from her. She keeps asking if we are married to each other. I did not think much of it at first, but after all of these incidents, I am wondering if she is trying to get me and her father divorced. There are times when she tries to make us argue and even has tried to turn each of us against each other. I love my step-daughter very much. But, I think she is trying to drive a wedge between Steven and me.

Then last night, she told me she doesn't like me. She kept smirking at me, too, as if to say, "I bet that hurt, didn't it." I responded by saying, "Well, I still like you even if you don't like me." She continued the smirking until bedtime.
She and I are miserable, it seems. Her mother and her step-father never took great care of her. She has food here, wears nice clothes, gets to do activities, has her own room, etc. These things do not seem enough to her. We have rules, boundaries, a routine here. Her mother lets her do whatever she pleases and to fend for herself. I cannot force a bond between us. I cannot force her to like me. She gets mad when her brother gets attention, and it is equalized. I don't understand this. She doesn't want her brother to share attention, yet she doesn't want me to give her any. It's very frustrating.

I also found all her jeans we recently brought in a tote bag. I asked her why they were in there and she said, "They are too big for me. They don't fit." I asked her who told her that, her response: "Mommy said they do not fit. Too big, see." And she held them up. Her pants aren't too big. I had to get the next size because the previous size, we could not button them. Before she got on the bus, she said, "My pants are too big. My pants are too big." And then just smirked and stared at me. I ignored her. She always gives me a hug before the bus arrives and tells me she loves me. Today, instead of hugging me, she saluted me before she got on the bus, with a cocky look on her face. I told her that I love her, and I got a cold, empty: "Love-you-too." She saluted me again with the same look. I tried my utmost best not to cry. As she got on the bus, I slowly walked in the house.

I don't want my marriage to end. Steven and I both love each other very much, but there is so much tension inside the home. And depression is starting to settle in. I don't want to leave, but sometimes I think Jaina would be much happier if I weren't here. I have been trying to hold on and ride this storm out but it seems to be getting worse as the months roll by. Jaina also sees two counselors, so I am at a loss.

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Melissa MiddletonPennington Gap, Virginia
    11/20/14
    Hugs!!
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    11/20/14
    Melissa Middleton
    Thank you, Lindsay.
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      11/20/14
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      11/20/14
      Melissa Middleton
      He wants to know if the bond can be rebuilt or built stronger. He thinks it has a lot to do with her mother, she since behaves this way after seeing her. I agree with him on that. He doesn't like the way Jaina treats me and tries his best to explain things to her.
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      11/20/14
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      11/20/14
      Melissa Middleton
      Thank you, Laura.
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        11/20/14
        she is in her pre-teen age , she understands much more now. It could be jealousy. Go on a shopping trip to the mall, spa, movies, or going out to eat. While you two are out, set aside time for talking about the situation at home; like you two not getting along, her lack of respect, her not following the rules, etc. Let her know that you're not trying to be her mother nor do you want to take control over her life. I would also talk to your husband about the situation. Another option is just stop doing things for her, I mean wake up, don't try to talk to her, do't give her any usual directions. May be if you stop doing that, she'll start to miss it, and realize all those times when you were caring for her, it was for her own good. HUGS
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          11/20/14
          5sarah
          I have this problem with my oldest step daughter Alexis she's fourteen and has a whole book of mental issues. She recently slept with my best friend while he was drunk he's 21. Twink went jail for it while my husband continued to treat alexis exactly the same, she was "grounded" but she was allowed to follow me and my friends to places and do things it irritated me. I recently spoke to my husband about it and he claimed "alexis treats you like crap cuz you treat her like crap" well that's not the case I was very tolerant in not punching her for putting my best friend in jail moving back to her mothers and continuing to sleep with a older man every week. I love her to death but it's drove a big wedge between us, she's supposed to come over for thanksgiving and just for sanitys sake if she actually comes (which I doubt she will) in just going to keep to myself. I hate seeing how she treats her junkie mom like a saint and her dad like a bank. She has court for truancy in December and will probably be put in Juvie, she's been kicked out of day school and put in night school and was just kicked out of night school and put in cyber school. It's pretty ugly. Now on the other hand my oldest step son and I get along great were actually very close.
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          11/20/14
          Melissa Middleton
          I am sorry you are going through the same thing. It hurts a lot. Yeah, Jaina's mom is unfit but Jaina thinks she does no wrong. Maybe both girls will realize who was there for them all of those years, at least I am hoping. It is difficult to force a bond or try to bond with someone who does not want one. I still love Jaina but I know there will never be a bond there.

          I hope your step-daughter straightens her life out and soon.
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          11/20/14
          5sarah
          I hope so too! I can't handle being around her the way she is right now, of course she's only 5 years younger than me but still.
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          About Melissa Middleton
          Current: Pennington Gap, Virginia
          Birth: April 13
          On Moms.com since: Mar 21, 2014
          Mother of an active son, a precious baby girl, & a diva step-daughter (who lives with us). I am an artist, baker, organic gardener, frugal liver, & a Christian--happily married to my best-friend. Blogger at www.chasingwildhorses.com