I'm seriously thinking about leaving my boyfriend. Super duper vent.
So things have not been going very great between BF and I. [This is going to start looking like a teen wrote this. Both my shift buttons are broken, and I have a lot to type and hitting the caps lock a ton is annoying lol] i've changed my schedule around so much for him. i was working graves, and, per his request, i got sundays off so he could get some sleep. me working all night he was up with the baby all night. then, per his request, i changed to swings. then, i got friday or saturday off so he could drink. but he still has 'a beer or two' while i'm at work, which is still 'below the legal limit.' he doesn't understand that it's still dangerous. BUZZED DRIVING IS JUST AS DANGEROUS AS DRUNK DRIVING.
So, now he's pissed i 'leave him alone with the kids too much.' never mind that i do the same. oh, wait, it's not the same. i don't work a full time job that's really physically exhausting, and two of the kids are mine. yes, he really said that. two of the kids aren't his, he shouldn't have to watch them, i guess he feels.
a few days ago, my friend text me saying, 'why don't you come over without kids and have a beer and cigarette with me.' i don't smoke or drink, but i really wanted to be away from the kids. i said no to the drink because i worked that night, but i had less than a quarter of a cigarette. yes, a strange request, but any time away from the kids that isn't work [relaxing] is nice. so now he's convinced i'm cheating.
yesterday, my friend, who is in the navy and is pregnant with her first child, got thanksgiving off and was in town. i went over there to visit and make fudge [mostly visit, fudge takes basically five minutes to make, most is spent setting in the fridge]. i didn't bring my friend because, as much as i love her, her parents house is very filthy. and it's just a death trap for my kids. i was gone he said for four hours, i could swear it was only three, but whatever. anyway, he got super pissed, then was all suspicious when i was in a good mood when i got home. hmmm... just visited with a great friend i haven't seen in ages. no that's not a good enough reason to be in a good mood [plus i got some fudge to take home, yummy]. he was super grumpy and hungry, and we were out of food, so i get some soup for him. he thought i would just go get soup and french bread and be right back. i wasnt sure if the kids ate, so on top of those two items, i looked for abc vegetable soup for the kids, pasta sides for myself, and milk. so i was gone for 30 minutes. he accused me of 'calling some dude' because i was gone so long. when i was in the process of divorcing my ex husband, i would go to walmart to talk to my current bf with some privacy. so now he thinks i'm doing the same.
okay, rewind to saturday night. i had to work 5pm to 11pm, but a graveyard worker called in, and when asked to stay until 3am, i said yes. bf had drank friday and i only work 10.5 hours next week, so i figured it would be okay. well, not okay because he always bitches when i stay longer than an hour. i work an average of 5 hours a day. anyway, i called several times, but he never answered. so when he finally called back, my manager said that he sounded drunk. i said i doubted it because he drank friday [he hasn't drank two days in a row for almost a year, plus he's told me he doesn't like drinking saturday nights] when i talked to him, he was in a surprisingly good mood. i thought because all the kids were asleep. nope, he was drunk. when i get home at 3, there are a ton of beer bottles in the trash [not to mention yesterday he checked his account and said he only had two dollars, he had 13 two days before, and he was very vague about what he bought, which is very strange for him] so i was suspicious of him either driving drunk with the kids to get more beer, or leaving them home alone. he was passed out [i know he was passed out because usually when i get home, no matter how quiet i am, he hears me and wakes up and i made so much noise. also, he was in a very uncomfortable position]. he denied he was passed out, but that the beer 'just helped' him sleep.
i grew up with an alcoholic and and don't want my kids to go through the same. he also doesn't understand that NO BEER WHILE I'M WORKING MEANS 0, ZILCH, NONE, NADA. NO BEER DOESN'T MEAN ONE OR TWO. when i talked to him the next morning, i told him, 'i don't think you understand how dangerous it is,' he then yelled, 'fine, it's dangerous.' then when on a rant i don't remember. my mind is really good at blocking bad stuff out, specially when shouting is involved.
i think he's just pissed subconsciously because i'm fighting my co dependency and getting more independence. i really believe he doesnt notice it.
so, im tired of it. he asked me 'what happened to being a SAHM.' i told him that it was fine for a while, but then we needed money, and i needed away time from the kids. as much as i love them, we all need some alone time. if he doesn't want to watch the kids now, will he really change once we have a legal paper saying we're together and rings on our fingers. honestly, the feel of your relationship doesn't change when you get married [not that i noticed the first time, anyway].
anyway, thanks for reading. and any input is welcomed.