Help! I realized that I shouldn't have become a mom.

I feel so terrible saying this and hate myself for thinking it, but I sometimes feel like I can't do this anymore. I have a wonderful, beautiful, healthy, 9 month old boy who I should be so thankful for. I know I should be loving him every second. Usually I do! However he is a very aggressive baby with a super strong personality. . . just like his father. He laughs and smiles, but if he doesn't get what he wants or doesn't want to sleep, he will scream, wail, and cry for hours. i mean hours. ...like up to three hours straight.. we have ruled out any health issue or environmental issues. He has been like this since he was born. .. never liked to sleep. Every nap time is a disaster for me. He hates to be rocked and prefers to be left alone to sleep but if he doesn't want to sleep he will wail like someone is stabbing him for hours even though he is so tired that he can't keep his eyes open.
Here is where I have a problem. If this goes on all day, I reach the point that I can't fight with him anymore. I can't take the constant wailing, screaming, demands that are now 4 times a day now for up to 2 hours each. I have tried different schedules, all no cry methods and cio methods. Honestly, I feel like I am not emotionally able to do this. I want to leave both my husband and son so I never have to hear this again. So my days aren't hell. I have thrown things, broken things and have had breakdowns during his screaming spells. It's almost like his screaming unhinges all my reasoning and it becomes very hard to get back to reality. Weird part is that once it's quiet, I start to feel better. I have had to hire a babysitter so that I can put distance between my baby and myself. I have regularly seen a therapist. I have tried psychological medications. Nothing seems to help.

Worst part is that I Am his mother. I Should be able to take care of him! Plenty of mothers struggle through screaming babies. So why can't I be around him! I have now realized that I am an incompetent mother who is not emotionally stable enough to do this.
I know in reality, I love my baby more than anything, however unfortunately his screaming has made my reality nonexistent.

00
    03/11/15
    I think we may have the same child! No, but seriously my son was exactly the same and NOTHING made it better. I had to get to the point where I didn't feel guilty about putting him in his crib for ten or fifteen minutes during the day when I just needed a break from the screaming. If he cried then he cried. He doesn't take naps at all. Now that he is two we at least have some days that he is not like that. I learned that as soon as he was able I let him make some of his own choices. He was picking his clothes out for the day by the time he was one. Giving him some control throughout the day calmed him down a lot. But then we still have days like today where every single little thing is a power struggle and when he doesn't win it is constant screaming. I wish I could say it gets easier but in reality you just learn what works for you to be able to keep your sanity. If having a babysitter during the day to get a break is what works then I say keep doing it. I swear sometimes that my son gets just as sick of spending all his time with me as I do of spending all my time with him. The few times he does go somewhere without me he comes home so much calmer! Strong willed, alpha male personalities are hard to deal with, especially when they are too young to reason with. Don't feel bad for wanting or needing time apart, it's totally normal.
    2
      03/11/15
      5Amanda
      I'm not sure what to say to this. But I will pray you find peace. I had a pretty hard baby a couple years ago. She has grown out of her unwillingness to sleep and cooperate now at age 2 so hopefully your son will eventually start to calm down too.
      2
        03/11/15
        My older two are pretty strong willed. This is what works for us and our strong willed children. I have realized that I was too allowing when they were babies. Yes, babies need nourishment and love, but I firmly believe now that they have to learn from the beginning they are not the boss of the house. If they start throwing a fit, they get disciplined. Losing a favorite toy, cartoons, sweet snacks, special treats, I've even taken grandma time away from them (which some days seems to be more of a punishment for me than them). I realize that at 9 months, their minds can only connect so much, but I would start reinforcing now... You want to scream at mommy, you can't have ___... Put him in his crib, shut the door and walk away. He's safe there, put on some ear plugs and set a time for ten minutes. Go back in and talk to him... I think my one sided conversations with my son went something like "your screaming is very aggravating to mommy, if you stop we'll go play a game. You need to be nice to mommy and show me why you are sad." He understood a lot more than I thought he would. Some days it became a game of 'show me what's wrong'... There were days where his fits (now, too-he's almost five and learning to remember to use words when he's upset) were simply because the dog came and gave him kiss.

        There is a reason behind this. Whether it's because he thinks he's the king of the castle, or another reason-there is a reason. Some parents have had behaviors change with a diet change. Gluten intolerance can be a huge reason for bad behavior.

        Take help when you can. Breathe. Learn to calm yourself. When you get frustrated it's like they feed off that energy. One day at a time, one fit at a time. And constant reminders for both of you to be patient, slow down and find the root cause.

        Hugs. You are NOT alone and you are NOT incompetent.
        3
          03/11/15
          You're a great mother, Diana! You are trying to find ways to manage your baby's personality and you want the best for him. A high need baby demands so much of your attention and energy, and sucks your emotional and physical resources dry. I think getting out and doing something for yourself is really the only way to make it through. You need help, you need "me" time. Going for a walk alone, taking a drive with the music blared, or even sitting in peace and quiet at the library are ways to re-amp the soul and to remind yourself that your baby needs you to take care of yourself.
          2
            03/11/15
            thank you everyone for your comments. Definitely, I need to get out more and do the things I love like going to the gym, dancing, or seeing friends. These things have been hard due to many health problems developed during and after my very complicated pregnancy and delivery. If I spedt a day out, I find that I miss my baby and am so happy to see him later. This is, however, a very torn feeling because I want to be there to raise my child instead of always being gone. The babysitter now spends more time with him them I do. . .which hurts of course.
            0
            03/12/15
            Dont feel bad just take it easy ...spend time with him and the baby sitter I know its not easy but with time it gets better ...try to relax when you can
            1
              03/12/15
              I'm so sorry to hear that, but I think I can help! First of all, for yourself, you may want to improve your diet. Cut out the junk food and cut down on the sugar. B vitamins are essential for mental health, and they're non-existent in the above. As for your son, have you ever heard of child training? I found a book about it at our church. It's really an old method of raising children that's been expelled with our modern psycho-babble. Children can be very demanding, some more than others, and that puts a lot of stress on mom. Ideally, you should start training a child at birth, but the sooner the better. Training is a non-stressful, non-threatening way to teach a child the proper way to behave rather than to punish him for his misbehavior. The book (very short) is TO TRAIN UP A CHILD by Mike and Debi Pearl and is available on Amazon. Good luck!
              About diet, I almost forgot to mention this: I had a lot of problems with my oldest. Sometimes I felt just how you described. I cut red food dye (Red #40) out of his diet, and the difference was AMAZING! He became much calmer as soon as we cut that out!
              3
                03/17/15
                My best friend gave me the best advice when I had my son. She called me a few weeks after I was home and said, "at some point you are going to want to throw this baby out the window and that's ok. ( the wanting and not doing) It's normal. It doesn't last. Don't beat yourself up." I said to myself just this week, I am not cut out for this, my son is 8. What you are going through is so normal. You need to stop saying, "I should..." That will only end in you feeling less than the trooper you are for sticking it out and still trying to find ways to cope. "I should" means you are comparing yourself negatively against some idealistic standard set by society or TV MOMS, it's not helpful, healthy or useful. I have been around many children, it sounds like you have more than just a strong personality. I would encourage you to continue to look for medical, emotional or psychological diagnoses or at least help. As a chronic migraine sufferer I can tell you that finding the right doctor took me 20 years (babies are known to have migraines), give yourself some more time and if you can write everything down. You might find a pattern and you can make better sense of the attack-able pieces of the problem. Your son is old enough to teach 1/2 of a dozen signs, which could help him communicate and I and others have found very helpful. You can find free online sign language for babies. Despite what I am saying, I think it's more important that you focus on telling yourself how loving, nurturing and capable you are and how things are going to get better, fake it until you make it, if you can. I don't want to add more stress by giving you a list of crazy stuff to do. What I think you need most is to feel like you are not doing this alone. I don't know what your support structure is, but facing any challenge is easier with help -spouse, friends, family, support groups, therapist, your church all are possibilities. Take it one step at a time and know that I am behind you in spirit and if I could give you a hug or have you over fir coffee I would.
                1
                03/17/15
                Tina, thank you very much for your advice. Hearing What your friend said really helps. I See all of my friends with multiple children doing fine and they ask why can't I just pull it together. No one talks about the dark days. We will be going to see the pediatrician this Friday and I will definitely be bringing it up. We have been teaching him sign language using the Baby signing time program since he was 6 months old. He loves the video and books. Hoping that will help when he starts signing. I also really appreciate the fake it til you make it idea. I will try. Today my boy came over to me and kissed me. Heart melting. He doesn't really know how to kiss yet so it was more of an open mouth face up head butt, however I felt what he meant to do. Oh, the highs and lows of this are mind blowing.
                0
                03/17/15
                I'm happy you found something helpful. Remember that Moms have egos too, they don't want to admit defeat and when they feel like they can do something better they want to enjoy it. That mother of three also has all those years and experiences on you, it's like expecting a Jr. High student to perform as well as a High school student. Unfortunately some Moms can act like high school students. Those wonderful moments are priceless and may not happen with regularity, but you will remember them and can use them when it's its a dark day. No one talks about the dark days, because everything we see says be happy, we are happy, look at all these happy things, look how successful we are. It's not flattering, but all Moms have been there no one is happy 100% of the time, so it takes a really good friend to tell you the truth. When you are trying to teach your son something, you might have to go over it 100 times, but keep at it because when he learns it, you will feel such a huge sense of accomplishment and a closer bond with him. You have to be tenacious and soak up all those squid kisses (my son did the same thing).
                0
                03/18/15
                Wow great advice :-)
                0
                  03/17/15
                  I forgot to mention that I found the book Positive Discipline, The First Three Years very helpful, it's not about time-outs, it explains how your little one sees and experiences the world. I felt so much closer and better when I understood why he did what he did. Remember, you are the expert on your baby, don't let anyone bully you into thinking otherwise.
                  1
                  About Diana Pyat
                  Born: Bronx, New York
                  Current: Brooklyn, New York
                  Birth: June 01
                  On Moms.com since: Jul 3, 2014
                  New first time mom trying to figure this whole thing out.