step parent woes

my step son has decided that he does not like me. he told me and then he took it out on his one year old sister.... i'm not even upset about how he feels about me but to be mean to a baby just cause... how do you handle that? we are in counseling with him and he refuses to talk there or home and has decided to not do school work or anything because he is mad. he wants to move back to his moms and she has told him and us over and over in a mean blunt way "there is no way, no chance he is ever moving back in with me!" she barley picks him up on her weekends and he is taking his anger for her as it being our fault, or his baby sisters for that matter...

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    05/05/15
    My daughter did that for the first two or three years.... She was so mad (still is I think) she took it out on my younger kids going so far as to tell them I hated them and would leave them... As soon as I found out I refused to leave her alone with them. Her temper was bad enough one summer visit I refused to let the youngers sleep in their own beds because I had no idea what she would do.

    She lost any privileges outside of the house while she was here. No going to grandma's, no going to aunt's (unless I had to go for some reason and then she had to sit right beside me and not go anywhere). After I don't know how many talks, she finally understood that if she didn't fix her 'I hate everybody' attitude, she wouldn't get to do anything. Even now, there are many times where I have to send her upstairs to be alone because she gets outright mean. (She's nine now, her dad and I separated when she was 3, he has custody.)

    She hates coming here and she lets me know it. The only reason why she hates it? She has chores and kids to share toys with, and attention.
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    05/05/15
    that's the thing with him we have rules where as his mother let him do whatever as long as he didn't bother her! i'm not sorry about trying to parent a child. i'm sad he doesn't realize that everything we do is for the betterment of him. his mom has agreed that we provide better for him and its a healthier environment than what she can give him. he has lashed out and hit his mom and she cant/wont deal with it. just cries and wants others to handle him. he has lost all privileges and i wont let me daughter be near him for fear of some type of anger. she tried to hug him and he gave her a dirty face and kept moving away from her so that they never came into contact. which is totally throwing her off since she is use to hugs and play time when he gets home.
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    05/05/15
    :( Unfortunately we have to roll with the punches (no pun intended). When Adrianna gets in one of her 'nobody likes me moods' I tell her they won't play with her because of her attitude. The amount of time she's nice to them changes, but they are beginning to learn they don't HAVE to play with her or listen to her when she pretends she's the boss. Them ignoring her impacts her way more than anything i have ever said.

    The biggest fight her and I have is she expects me to sleep in her bed with her. I told her she's almost a teenager, she needs to sleep by herself. Makes me worry about what happens at night at her dad's house but I vowed long ago to never put her in the middle. Just keep reminding her I love her and that would never change.

    I know your stepson just wants his mom...because, let's face it, everybody just wants mommy.... But hopefully, one day, he'll realize he's got a good mom (you) just waiting to help heal his heart.
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      05/05/15
      I understand what you are going through..my SO has a 4 year old daughter (2 when I met her) and she has been living with us for over a year now,,she started coming back from her moms house saying ugly things about her brother 1 year old then got very violent with him..I made sure she wasn't alone with him but it got to a point where she would smack him around in front of me then smile,,I tried numerous things and to be honest the only thing that made a difference was 3 swats on the butt every time she was violent with baby..I would have the same talk before and after which went something like you two are not different at all you are brother and sister and we are a family and our job is to love eachother to play to sing and dance and run and jump and when you hit your brother you are teaching him that it's okay to hit so if you are going to do that I am going to give you a spanking,,it took a full month but now I am not worried anymore because she is more affectionate with him..every child will deal with things differently and I know right now it must be difficult to try and raise a child who has that anger,,all we can do is try our best and show them them that we care..

      It was hard to find a balance between discipline and compassion for me going through that but as mommies we can always find a way,,as Tabitha put it (I completely agree) every kid wants a mommy when he gets older he will be able to come to terms with his mother situation so long as you keep an open heart..chin up mommy prayers are coming your way
      1
        05/05/15
        That's so sad. He's very angry -- I assume about his parents' divorce. He may blame you for their divorce. How old is he? Your choice of action depends on that. If he's five or six, do fun things with him to show him that you're his friend. If he's a teen, then you need to treat him like an adult. Talk to him like an adult and try to reason with him.
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          05/05/15
          he is 12 and his parents have been separated since before his birth. we have been together going on 4 years so its not like i'm new to him. we have always got him every other weekend and holidays he only has started this since his mom tossed him to us in jan. we are doing everything possible to make it work. he refuses. :( good to know im not alone and hear others expriences
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          About Jen Henderson
          Current: Fostoria, Ohio
          Birth: May 09
          On Moms.com since: Jan 18, 2014
          Stay at home mom