Nine years ago....
Nine years ago on December 1st we lost our son Matthew. On November 28, at my routine 18 week appointment my doctor could not detect baby's heartbeat. After an ultrasound, it was determined Matthew had been gone since week 14. I had five little ones at home, my husband's insurance was going to change and so as to not prolong the agony of what already was, we opted to be induced so baby would come. It was a horrific experience for me. It was a cold hospital environment, yet I was in the labor and delivery section of the hospital. My doctor was like a robot, cold, rote and uncaring. I felt alone and miserable. Surprisingly, my labor went well. I remember the staff being surprised at how well it went. I believe it was the blanket of prayer covering me that made the difference. Matthew was born decayed and deflated. He did not look like I expected him to look and no amount of preparation would have prepared me for what I saw. I was ashamed and didn't show anyone photos of him but immediate family. He was so small and frail about the size of my hand - 5 inches and weighed less than a pound. It took me years to grieve him. It has only been the past couple of years I have made it through that date without losing it. I still struggle and try to avoid the immense emotions that overwhelm me if I dwell on that loss too long. In some ways, our family is still living with the after affects of that loss because I closed part of my heart off in the hurt and grief. It's hard to explain, but that is one loss I don't ever think I will fully be over. If I was brave enough I'd find Matthew's photo and share it but I'm still not there yet. He's not a pretty baby and it always grieves me when I see babies the same age as him and they are perfect, pretty babies born way too soon because that is what I wanted him to be.
He is a better place now and you did everthing you could. You are a wonderful mom!